My Disorderly Life

Evidently

I'm fine

So today I watched a video by Rose Ellen Dix and Rosie Spaughton where Rosie was very brave and talked about PTSD.

Growing up I was a happy go lucky kid for the most part.

I had this unnerving sense that possibly I was attracted to girls as soon as I was aware that there were other people on the planet, but hey that turned out okay.

I am one of those lesbians that can remember back even before I started the first grade being attracted to my "older," meaning probably 7 years old sister's, friends. Other than that huge secret, I have always been an open book.

In school I was teased because I was easily distracted and spent a lot of time having to sit by myself because I couldn't seem to pay attention no matter how hard I tried.

I also had to stay in for recess once a day because I couldn't seem to write my numbers or letters correctly. They always ended up backwards, or something like that.

I can't really remember the way my dyslexia manifested itself in school, but I do remember feeling absolute terror when the teacher would go around the room and everyone had to say what the time was on the clock she was holding. I just couldn't understand what the hell they were even talking about and I literally would shake from fear of ridicule.

Okay...so I still have shame attached to those things to the point where, after talking to my therapist about it, she determined that in regards to those things I had a bit of PTSD because I try to diffuse the situation with humor to try and make a joke about something that used to make me cry every night before going to sleep and make me absolutely hate school.

I went a total of 25 years of school before I finally finished and every day I was terrified, felt isolated, and in mortal fear of being made fun of by everyone. Writing about this now makes me sad and I want to stop talking about it.

My therapist tells me that I have to rehome these feelings of pain and anger and embarrassment and turn them into affirmations of persistence, courage, and pride because she says that what I did by finishing so much school under those conditions was heroic. I don't see any of it as heroic. I see it as something I wanted to do more than life itself and so I just took it one day at a time...for 9125 days.

I also was molested by a family member for years as a child, but I'm not ready to talk about that yet.  I have some things in regards to sex and emotions that have been a bit of a mess as a result, but again, not ready to talk about it. 

I do want to talk about the feelings I still have that linger after the death of my wife.

That was the most horrific time of my life. I still have nightmares about it and, while I can talk about it with what seems like complete ease, what I am really doing is pretending that it happened to someone else so I can talk without closing off.  

I can't handle the concerned faces, or have people ask if I'm okay when absolutely hell no I'm not okay and that is why I take myself to therapy still to this day.

I have been in therapy for a long time with therapists who kept telling me the same message...forgive yourself, it wasn't your fault, you did the best you could.

Yes, and those messages are important, but what the therapist I have now is doing is helping me, again, try to rehome those messages I tell myself into something positive. I am trying to make her death into affirmations of hope and I am resisting that to the point where, when I go into therapy I am in such a hyper state that it takes almost the entire session to get me to talk about anything important because my brain feels like it is on fire and the only way to put it out is to just ramble on about the silliest of things that, while do bother me, really keeps me from talking about what I really need to talk about and I find that when my lovely friends ask me what is wrong, I make short, quick answers and then direct the focus back on them. It is my way of protecting myself.

I said that in a rambling sentence because that is exactly how I think.  Sorry.

I tell myself I am a good listener, which is a lie because I have fucking ADHD. I listen to about 1/3rd of what is said to me. I have a scribe always in my office when I see my patients so I don't miss anything important.

Here is the message of this blog. I keep waking up and showing up day after day.

I have quit telling myself that I am going to eventually get better in regards to my dyslexia and ADHD. I'm not and I am working hard on accepting that fact about myself.

Knowing the truth about yourself does kind of set you free and it also kind of keeps you stuck where you are at. The best I can do is figure out a way to live with this and try not to make fun of myself or attack myself in front of others before they can do it. That is my safety zone...humor at my own expense a lot of times.

I was told to quit telling people that I'm irritating because that isn't always true. I do my very best to not piss people off with my talking or my inattention, but it still happens and still people laugh at me, so I decide to laugh with them and not let it be known how much it makes me hate myself.

So, PTSD and anxiety is a big thing in my life, but the hope is that one day I will just let myself be my quirky, innappropriate self and hope the people in my life know that this is who I am and can love me anyway.

Tell me about your mental illness things. Can you love yourself through them or do you have a way to deal that makes it seem like you aren't bothered by them at all. Do you know your triggers and how do you deal with those?

Self Harm

Self harm. What comes to mind when you hear that term? Cutting? I agree that is what most people think of when they hear that term. But, self harm can come in all shapes and forms.

This week was an especially rough week for me. I practiced self harm in the fact that I ate horribly, did not work out at the gym, did not drink water and basically now I feel physically like shit. Yay, goal accomplished??? Geeze. Yes, let's add to my already emotional stress by physically not taking care of myself. No wonder I have absolutely no energy today. My body is exhausted from self harm.

Let's talk about emotional self harm.

When I was in my 20s I was a serial dater. I had relationships, but usually they lasted in what my friends said could be counted in minutes and not days.

Such bitches, but they were right.

I was not someone who committed and I think that is what made me so attractive to so many women. I was a "lost soul" and they wanted to fix me.

I had one girl who I liked, but not in the way she wanted me to.

I knew that any time I was feeling especially low or bad about myself, I could call her up and she would make me feel better about myself.

Trouble is, I was using her to make myself feel better and after I would leave her, I would disappear for a while, telling her I wasn't ready for a relationship, when actually I had had my emotional needs met and so was done with her.  I did this over and over to her.

Now, to be fair, I didn't know that I was doing that at the time. I truly didn't think I was doing anything wrong because I told her the truth...I wasn't ready for a relationship. But, I knew she cared about me and knew that she would help me feel better about myself and so I kept going back to her.

What I couldn't figure out was why I felt like such shit after I had been with her.

Only after being in therapy did I learn that I was using her without caring that she was put in an emotional bind of wondering when and if I would come back; wondering why, if I said I loved her, could I go and sleep with other people.

Here is what I loved about her:

I loved her love for me.

I loved that she helped me feel good about myself.

I loved that I knew she would be there if I called.

I loved that she was so sweet.

I was a dickhead and I can't believe I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

She was committing self harm by letting me keep coming back.

I promised when I started writing this blog that I would tell you the good, bad and the ugly about myself. Doesn't get much uglier than this.

I have made my amends to this girl by staying out of her life. The last time I left her I told her that I wouldn't come back and I didn't.

I "let" her get over me by staying away from her and for once thinking of her instead of myself.

One more time, I was such a dickhead.

If you see yourself in any of the things I have mentioned, it is okay to talk to me about it. I don't judge or offer advice, I just listen.

Don't cut yourself. Don't hate yourself. Don't give someone rent-free space in your head. Don't let someone continually hurt you either physically or emotionally. Don't torment your body, treat it right, and don't let someone into your life that hurts you whether you are with them or not.

You're worth more than that.

Love always wins

I have been known to have a hot temper. I have enrolled and taken two anger management courses and failed both.

What.

Most people I know can be off the mark sometimes. I am one of those people.

I can be fine for the longest period of time and then something little will happen and you would have thought the world was ending. I get that angry and I don't like it. I'm better now that I'm older, but I can still let loose with a ^%()& &)076mUTHAF&*(^)6 to the point where I have scared the dog.

He is a rescue who came with some baggage and I know I have possibly overstepped the anger mark when I look down the hall and he is sitting there wagging his tail, but won't come to me. Nothing shames you like small children and animals. I don't lose my temper at home anymore. I will not scare a dog who has already had a rough start.

I do, however, still lose my temper at work at times.

Here is what I get angry at. Management. Stupid rules that don't help anyone or make any sense. People picking on other people. Some of my colleagues. I mean, let's face it...doctors can be egomaniacs and assholes. I have watched some of them tear into people like they were wild dogs and I'm like...no dude, stop it.

There are so many more things that make me angry...OH...traffic. I don't rage in a manner that you can see...but I do tend to drop the F bomb on people. I no longer flip people off. It tends to create more problems than it is worth. I do smile at people who I think are idiots and that seems to have a strange affect on them. Whatever, makes me feel good.

My wife said I was a passive/aggressive jerk one time.

I told her she was a pollyanna and needed to get a backbone.

Yeah, that didn't end up well for either of us.

Fighting with someone you love is difficult.

In the beginning of a relationship you can't imagine the love of your life ever doing anything to make you angry. I mean, you're still in the shock of someone actually wanting to be with you and you don't want to fuck that up.

But, then, you gather some years and all of a sudden one morning, one more time, you go into the bathroom and there are the towels on the floor. Or, there is no more creamer for your coffee. Or, some other stupid little thing that doesn't really matter, but you lose your shit and you have your first fight and it is ugly and everyone cries and you think it is over.

It is not over, but you learn quickly that storming out of the house is not an option anymore, but you make a point of saying neither is sitting on the couch all day giving you the silent treatment.

Do what you want to me, but don't give me the silent treatment.

I'm a Leo. Being ignored is like the kiss of death, being burned at the stake, being left out of a party...it is the worst of the worse. She knew that and she did that to me and it would drive me nuts.

Luckily we didn't have too many doozy of fights. Most of the time one of us would be tired of being mad and say...let's take the dog for a walk and get ice cream and just like that it'd be over.

When sane again we would talk about what happened, but only if both sides were completely cooled down.

She was a Gemini and she had so many different personalities that I had no idea who would show up when I got home some days, but I tell you what, it kept life interesting.

Everyone in a relationship will tell of times when you got on each other's nerves.

They will tell you of times when you are so in love that you can't even imagine life without them and you have been together for over 15 years. Or, of the times when you just hang on because for just that moment you hate that person...not really, but you think you do and it's usually because of relatives, lol.

I will tell you that we only had one or two big fights in our entire relationship.

I will tell you that we laughed a lot together.

I will tell you that I thought she was a babe even at the end when she had lost all her hair, weighed less than 90 pounds and had red splotches all over her body.

Love isn't blind, but love sees past the imperfections that society says are there. Love says I'm in this for the long haul and when we are old and gray, I will still call you baby, bring you flowers, say something stupid that will make you roll your eyes. 

I will always...or did always, hold your hand when we were in the car or walking down the street.

I will always, or did always, sing to you the love songs on the radio even though you said I was torturing you.  You loved it.  I know you did.  

I still believe love always wins.

Dancing Queen

Sometimes time just flies by. I wrote about it being 10 years since I lost my wife. I can't believe that to be true, but it is.

When I was a kid I always wanted to be in the center of the action. I never wanted to be home. I would always beg my mom and dad to let me go to something every weekend. I just loved being around people.

My 20s was all about going to school. I had to study so much, but I still wanted to be out living the gay life, so I would study either at school or at the lesbian coffee shop in town. I fell asleep in that coffee shop many times.  Yes, I was a player....right.

I would take my books and buy one cup of coffee and nurse it for hours just so I could sit there and study and...let's be honest, look at girls.

When I was married I started to like being home with just her. She finally got to the point where she would say "take me some place fun! I want to go dancing!"

Now listen, I am on my feet for long periods of time in surgery. I want to come home, take off my bra, take a hot bath, and just hang out.

She gave me that during the week.

But, on Saturday nights if I wasn't on call, we would get dressed and head to Boy's Town (West Hollywood) and we would hit all the clubs.

Inside I'd be like...I can't believe I'm heading to WeHo to dance to music I don't like, but I acted like I liked it for her. 

And, because of who she was, once I got there we would spend almost every minute on the dance floor and by the time the night was over she would have made a million friends and my face would be sore from smiling so much. We'd hold hands walking to the car and then I'd drive while she would open the window and just let the hot night air blow over her arm as we drove through the night.

We'd get home and snuggle in bed and I would try to stay awake, but usually I would fall asleep while she was telling a story and I would have to apologize for doing that by making her breakfast in bed on Sunday.

We did this for almost our entire relationship.

We would sometimes be the oldest people in the club, but she didn't care. She loved to dance and so dance we would. I have two left feet and all big toes...I'm as horrific a dancer as I am a singer and those of you I have sang to...just imagine that for a second.

Nowadays I stay home mostly on the weekend. I live in a small college town that does have an LGBTQ community and even people my own age, but I just struggle with getting out and meeting people.

Understand that I am a power extrovert. If I am in a social situation I can act like I'm having the best time in the world. I am funny, try to be charming, interested in talking and listening to people and usually enjoy myself.

Then I come home and hide.

I'm an introverted extrovert.

When I'm on, I'm on. When I'm off I am way off, lol.

I love to hear stories about your lives. I think that is why I like YouTube so much. I have ADHD and so the videos aren't too long and I don't lose interest, I learn something from people, and I then talk about the videos online and meet new friends. It is a win/win situation.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I may fall in love tomorrow or I may never fall in love again. Whatever happens, my job is to care for myself, care for others, be a role model and there for whomever needs to talk. I take my job as Mother Gay very seriously.

Tell me about you....something, anything.

10 years

Today marks 10 years without you. I know you told me to not be stubborn and to not live my life alone without love. You didn't tell me that I had to have a girlfriend, lol. I do not. I have lovely friends here in the States and all over the world.

Jen, you would not believe the internet now! I can actually see faces when I talk to them from a phone! Of course you know me, I don't like to talk on the phone so I rarely, if ever, do this. But, it is available if needed.

I know you always loved the mountains and when we moved up here we found that lovely house where we could wake up and see them from our window. After you died I sold that house to a lovely young couple with a couple of kids and a dog. I couldn't bare to live there without you. But, I live in a nice small park and have lovely neighbors and can see the mountains from my front porch.

When I walk Maddy...you'd love Maddy btw. He is the type of dog you'd get. He is a rotty/basset hound mix. He is a stubborn, but sweet dog. Anyway, when I walk Maddy we go up on a small knoll and look out over the valley. Sometimes it is so beautiful that I start to cry. You know I'm a cryer, lol.

I'm working too much, but don't worry I have a dog sitter to make sure Maddy gets his daily exercise and attention. He is a happy boy and I am happy for the most part. At least I am trying to be.

I don't have the nightmares all the time now...of those final days. I try to just remember the good times we had.

Whenever I do something stupid, I think good god Jen would fry me for that. LOL.

My anger is getting under better control. I've developed somewhat of a filter and don't always say everything I think. I have done some stupid things that hurt people last year, but I have put safety guards in place now and I think I'm doing better. You know I don't think before I act most of the time. I, again, think I"m getting better with that.

My weight still bothers me and I developed high blood pressure because I was under so much stress at work. We were told we weren't billing enough hours and so I started to become a monster and worked way to much and my poor staff thought I was going to drop dead in the OR. We have reached an agreement on a contract and now I am back to somewhat sane hours.

My mom has bladder cancer, but she is okay. You know how she is. My dad is probably more scared than she is and boy do I understand how he feels.

I'm doing my best to just breathe in and breathe out; to get up and face the day and be happy, at least in front of people. I will admit that sometimes I come home and hug the dog and just sob because after all these years, I still can't believe you are not here. I don't torture others with this information. I try to keep it on the downlow.

I have some wonderful friends though. Unfortunately they are mostly all in the UK. LOL. I know what you'd say...how convienent. MEAN.

I am trying to get out and meet lesbians, but you know how I am. I like to hide from people on the weekend. This internet thing makes it so that I can talk to people, but not have to leave my house.

Anyway, how are things up there? I want you to say hi to my friend's Nan and to my other friend's Ben. We laugh and say they are watching our shite lives and making bets on what we will do next.

I miss you. I'm trying to make you proud of me every day. I'm volunteering and helping the LGBTQ kids like you did. I'll never be you though...they loved you instantly. Me, they are cautious, lol. I haven't made anyone cry at work. I've become a really nice person most of the time. I haven't hit a wall or screamed at someone's driving in a long time...don't believe for one second that I won't do it again, so just bare with.

I love you.

I miss you.

Always and forever.

Gratitude

When I became a widow I sat on the couch for many many days, months, and even years. I saw no sunshine nor had any desire to go on. I worked really hard to become who I was before she died and I was at risk of just throwing my career away because I didn't care. The only reason I did go to work was so that I could buy dog food. As I have said before, dogs have saved my life over and over again.

We also know the story of how I laughed out loud...which was a strange sensation since I had not laughed for many months...at a Rose and Rosie video and that that is why I will support them for as long as I am alive. Here is the thing about me. If you make me laugh, I"m not ever really going to go away. We may not speak for years, but if you come back with some random tweet, I'll be all in all over again.

I love to forgive people. I hate confrontation. I love love.

Once I realized that life truly does go on and that I needed to be an active participate in my own life, I started to try and find things that I could do that would make me feel better about myself and help others.

I began to live a grateful life.

I began doing the LGBTQ youth suicide hotline.

I grew up in a time where there was no internet or any way to know that how I felt about girls was normal and that I was not the only one. I remember being so upset and crying to God to please let me be attracted to boys like I knew I was supposed to be. God did not anwer my prayers and in fact, sent me to a college that had a thriving LGBTQ community of which I happened upon by accident.That's another story that I will tell you about later. 

Fast forward to today where I try to make sure that no one feels alone again.

Yes I talk mostly to the LGBTQ youth, but I also will talk to anyone who is going through a hard time and just needs a friendly shoulder to cry on.

The rewards I have received from doing this outweigh the bad because frankly, there is no bad when helping others.

So, if you are feeling low for whatever reason, help someone who has it worse off than you.

I do a gratitude list every day of five things.

I am always grateful for my good health. The other four depends on the day.

I am appreciative of the material things I have, but true gratitude is about love, friendship, health, community, and just the human experience.

What are you grateful for today?

Being single on Valentine's Day

Getting old is a pain in the ass. There I said it. I was laughing today when I was telling the story of how I almost got bucked off the rowing machine the other night. Also, I think that just getting on the damn thing should count as aerobic exercise in its own right.

I am going to have a mammogram tomorrow night. The anniversary of my wife's death is in four days. Needless to say, February isn't my best month.

I have been avoiding writing for a while because I knew I needed to address Valentine' Day and how to get through it as a single person.

Buy yourself flowers. Get yourself candy. Find other single friends and go to the movies and have a nice dinner. Spend the money you would spend on a date on yourself. Don't be depressed.

Realize that being alone on a day like Valentine's Day is better than being with someone who ignores you, or hurts you, or just isn't there like you want them to be.

I had almost 21 Valentine' Days with my love. I would say about half of them were just as close to perfect as they could be. Some were less than romantic. Some I had to work and boy that was not popular in my household, ahem. LOL.

Here's the thing though...Valentine's is just a day. If you are single, just wake up and make the most of it. Wish the people in love a wonderful day and just be happy for people. And remember, if you need to cry...I'm always here and we can cry together.

I'm going to tell you what I'm doing. I am throwing a party for a coworker who is retiring that day. Then, I am going to come home and watch a blow em up flick and go to bed where I have the entire bed to myself...except for the dog...who farts really really bad.

Most importantly I'm going to be grateful for being healthy, having friends, and for just knowing all of you.

Be as happy as you can.

Processed foods

Sorry I haven't written for a couple days, but sometimes I fall asleep in my chair and then it is bedtime, lol.

We all know that I am supposed to be watching my sodium levels. How many times have I said that in the past week already?

Here is what I have discovered: Processed foods have too much sodium in them.

Here lies my problem though, I should not eat any more processed foods...or at least stop as much as possible... eating them. I need to eat more veggies and fruits.

I hate going grocery shopping and therein lies the problem. I need to go shopping a couple times a week if I am going to eat healthier and I am not happy about it.

I exercise almost every night of the week except grocery shopping night, which is Thursday. I am the type of exerciser that if I am running even a few minutes late, I will not exercise because "I don't want to spend the entire night in the gym and I want to see my dog."

Okay, first of all, my dog has a better life than I do. He has a sitter who takes him to the dog park, on errands, for car rides. By the time I get home he is ready for dinner and bedtime most nights.

The gym I go to is literally seconds from where I live. I live at the bottom of a knoll and the gym is at the top. I could walk there in five minutes. I choose not to because I don't want to burst my strength bubble too soon. That and I'm just lazy.

But, I will tell you what I'm doing, I am doing food prep.

I am doing a lot of cooking on the weekend and freezing so that during the week all I have to do is take something out of the freezer and throw it in the microwave.

In the beginning this is more expensive, this fruit and veggie thing. But, if you know where to shop, buy in bulk, or go to the bulk section and just buy enough for a couple dinners, eventually it becomes cheaper in the long run because you are spending less because...in my opinion...I am not paying for packaging. I could be wrong.

Also, with exercising so much, I find that I get bored listening to the same old music, so I am now listening to podcasts when I do my exercising. I stay interested and learn something while I am trying to be a more motivated and exercising being.

I want to tell you the benefits that I have already felt from doing this:

I feel so much better.

I have lost a bit of weight.

My blood pressure has come down.

I'm less puffy.

I have that sense of accomplishment that comes from setting a goal and slowly making my way towards it.

Of course I will eat out sometimes. I'll go to the movies and have popcorn.

But, for the most part, I am going to cook my own meals and carry on with this lifestyle I am now living.

How are you doing on your goals? What are your goals to have a healthy existence? Tell me everything.  

Coming to terms

I'm writing this post right before bed, so I'm going to make it quick.

I always called myself a runner. I've been running since I was little.

A year ago I messed up an old ankle injury and as a result, can no longer run. I took this news badly. I mean, really badly.

I told myself that I might as well not even exercise because nothing would be as intensive as a 5K in the morning four times a week.

I am here to tell you that I was dead wrong. I have high blood pressure right now....I say right now because I am not going to have it for long because I have drastically changed my way of life in a short five days.

Instead of counting calories I am counting sodium mg.

What I have found is, by keeping track of my sodium, I naturally just eat less crap because let me tell you, 1500 mg of sodium a day is not that much in this processed food world that we live in. I'm eating more fruits and veggies and already feel 100% better.

The only one cup of coffee in the morning is still a bit tough, but I'm getting there.

I want to talk about exercise. I am riding the recumbent bike. I used to hate that thing, but now I have gained new respect for it. Why? Because my legs and stomach hurt a bit when I am done. I ride for 30 minutes and when I am done, I am done.

Today I rode the rowing machine for 30 minutes. I can't raise my arms, lol.

I say all this to say, I needed to have a true change of heart. I needed to come to terms and let go of my hope to be able to run again. I can't. My ankle says no and if I do even try to walk on the treadmill, my ankle later in the evening is so sore that I can barely walk.

I can accept this now.

So, my aeobic exercise of choice is an every other day recumbent bike versus rowing machine. When I do the rowing machine I won't lift weights. My arms get enough of a workout with that. But, on the bike day, I will come home and lift weights. At least that is the goal.

How are you doing? What are you doing?  Do you have a health issue that needs to be addressed and how can I help you?

Salt

Salt, sodium, whatever you call it.

Salt is the thing that I am monitoring, and I'm not supposed to have over 1500 mg of it a day.

I did not hit that mark. I was very much over it.

I am a vegan and so I eat a lot of soy products and I thought that I was being healthy. I was not. Salt is a killer and it is in everything.

Obviously I am learning how to eat differently now. I never even used to pay attention to the level of sodium in my food. Now, today, I didn't pay attention to anything but the sodium.

Here is a weird thing that I noticed. If I try to contain my sodium, the calories just fall into place.

Anyway, I'm going to give up Morningstar products, at least give them up every day. Hell, I used to eat them twice a day. Gosh, how did I even do that?

Here's what I'm grateful for: I didn't have a stroke or heart attack to find out that I need to change the way I am living. Now, I'm going to take this gift and not throw it away. I've gone to the gym today after work. I am going to do weights tomorrow, but no cardio. It is okay because my goal is five cardio days a week and they will be Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I also need to lift weights three times a week. This is going to be a bit harder. I think Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Do you exercise and do you enjoy it or see it as a pain in the butt?

And so it begins

I'm just doing a quick blog post to tell you what I am doing to change my blood pressure readings:

1. I am taking my blood pressure and weights every day and recording them.

2. I am making myself go down to only one cup of coffee a day, but to make this less painful, I am allowing myself to buy flavored coffee.

3. I am giving up flavored creamer. This is going to hurt.

4. I am exercising five times a week for 30 minutes each. I am also going to not think of this as punishment. I do ortho for goodness sakes. Exercise is my life.

5. I am going to lift weights five times a week. Now, when I say lift weights, it is a 15 pound barbell and 5 pound dumbbells. I have higher weights, but I will have to work up to those.

6. I am going to food track, not necessarily for calories, but to watch my sodium level. I'm not supposed to go over 1500 mg of sodium a day.

7. Stop processed food as much as I can. I am learning to cook. This is going to be interesting. I'm making tofu chips today. I'm trying to be excited about it.

8. I am going to start meditating. I hate meditating because I feel silly doing it. I am going to look for a spotify account that has calming music on it. I've asked Rosie and Bethan to help me.

9. I am going to hydrate myself because being dehydrated also causes your heart to work harder.

10. I am going to join something online in regards to lowering blood pressure so I can have a support group.

If you have any tips to give me, please do. Also, what would you like to change about yourself and what are you doing about it? Together we can do anything.

Here we go....

Table for One

I told you all about how my blood pressure has been up and that I needed to change some things...like everything about my life.

I live alone.

I never learned how to cook because my wife loved to cook and so...why bother, right? WRONG

If I can offer any suggestions to people out there who may read this...learn how to cook, how to change the oil in your car, how to change a tire and gosh LEARN HOW TO DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY.

I am embarrassed to admit that my wife spoiled me terribly. She did my laundry, the cooking. She told me that my job was very stressful and when I got home she just wanted me to relax and spend time with her. Which in retrospect, I should have told her that, while I loved that she wanted to do that for me, she also worked hard and that I wanted to share the load.

It isn't that I didn't do chores because I did. I would do the vacuuming and the dishes. I would take both cars to get washed and always walked the dog in the morning. In the evenings, when I wasn't on call, we would walk her (the dog) together.

So, now that I am a single woman...I never know if I should say widow or single honestly. ANYWAY, now that I live alone and am responsible for everything, my house many times looks like a tornado has hit it.

My friend Zoe has just bought a house and I am looking forward to having long discussions about washing, cooking, cleaning and what we do in our spare time when we are alone. I mean, let's face it, when you live alone you can get away without washing your hair all weekend, just wear a hat.

Having the time to actually have a social life though sometimes is tough to do when you also have to clean the house.That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. 

I know what a diva I am.

My lovely friend Nancy at work told me to, every day, spend 30 minutes cleaning something in the house and that eventually it won't take even that long because I will be all caught up.

I asked her if she does it and she said that her house is bigger and she has kids and so does an hour a day. I told her that I would give it a try, though as of yet I haven't started because I have been fighting being ill.

That's an excuse and I am aware of it.

I will tell you that I work Monday through Friday with call every six weeks on the weekend. I am going to the gym at least four times a week (I should go five times), and am lifting weights three times a week. I would like to say that I don't have a lot of free time in the evenings, but that would be a lie. I have the time to do everything and still watch some TV before I go to bed at night.

I am a domestic lazy diva.

There, I said it.

I am lazy once I get home.

I need to drop at least 40 pounds. Yes, I do. Don't fight me on this. I know the weight that I feel most healthy at. I will neither be too thin or unhealthy when I lose this weight, so don't be worried.

I am not going to rush it. I am going to take my time and be healthy.

I need to let go of processed food. I fucking love processed food. LOL

I have learned the words food prep and so am going to do just that. I will let you know how it goes.

I loved chemistry in school so I am going to pretend that cooking is chemistry and I am going to ask my friend Gill, who is a chef, to help me and also Zoe and Bethan, who are vegans, to give me hints.

If you are reading this, please feel free to help, as long as you are kind about it. I am sensitive about my weight. I think we all are. Cammie Scott did a video recently where she said, unless someone calls attention to the progress they are making on their body, do not mention anyone's weight whether thin or not so thin. Just don't do it.

Okay, here we go.

Anger

On Sunday after watching the L Word I was going to write some fluff piece about living in LA and how I related to almost everyone in the show. I ended up just erasing it because, to be honest, I knew I was just making content to fill a page and when I can't find words to put on paper in under 30 minutes, then I know I'm forcing something out and I don't ever want to do that to whomever is reading this.

No.

I want to write about being angry at God. I want to tell him/her/it that I am scared right now because my health seems to be a bit...weird. I'm not myself and I am having to pretend to be all nice and happy when in reality, this time of year is the hardest for me.

I am trying to lower my blood pressure by exercise and eating right. I am trying to get enough sleep and to have as little anxiety in my life as possible right now.

In reality, my face is red every morning and I'm afraid to check both my weight and my blood pressure. I've been having stomach pain and weird dreams and I am angry.

I am causing my health issues right now. I know it.

I'm also seeing so much about cancer and listen, I have to talk myself down from that ledge almost every day anyway, and to have it pushed in my face daily on social media is just about sending my blood pressure into orbit.

There I told the truth about what is going on with me.

I'm angry because it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Being angry at God is a touchy thing.

I'm going to call God "him" just for the sake of it being easier and I hope none of you are offended.

See, I have this thing with God. I ask for all the right things. Probably, if you are reading this, I have, or am still, praying for you. I wonder if anyone is praying for me because sometimes I feel as though I need prayers...a lot of them and yes, I am an agnostic. How can that be if I pray every day? I don't like to take chances.

See, I believe if there is a God out there then he knows what kind of person I am...and I am truly sorry for that, LOL. He knows how I feel inside and he knows that I am trying my best to be happy, kind, and friendly when I'd rather just scream FUCK over and over off the side of a cliff.

It takes everything out of me to pretend to be happy all the time in front of people so when I am home in the evening I hide from everyone.

Weekends, I like to have a people timeout and a big part of me is confused by that behavior and also mad about it.

I've always been a person who liked to be in the center of the action. Maybe it is because I'm older or maybe I truly am now a commitment phobe, but I don't want to be the center of attention anymore.

I want to be able to get away whenever I can.

My therapist says that the death of my wife and what I went through after that has probably cemented in my head such huge abandonment issues that it will take a wrecking ball to tear down the wall I have built around my heart. Then she said to call her Wrecking Ball from now on. Ha Ha Ha. Funny lady.

Social media can also make one feel like a loser, tbh. You post comments and are ignored but I have decided to let that one go. It is an easy one. I will keep replying and try not to care.

To be honest, I am a nobody trying to get a somebody's attention and many times it just doesn't work. I will, however, keep reaching out to the people I see who are struggling and just let them know that I am there. That is how I am going to handle it from now on.

I don't even know if that is weird or not. 

I don't know why I told you that. I guess it is because I'm embarrassed to say that sometimes I really do care.

And, truly, it is easier to be angry at Twitter than God.  

War with myself

I'm not going to lie. I can say anything on this blog and not worry about being deboosted or told I can't fucking cuss...I'M A GROWN ASS WOMAN, I'LL FUCKING DO WHAT i WANT.

I am so very angry and scared and nervous and just feel so sad because the person who is running my country has lead us into a war because he was impeached and thinks that if there is a war going on he will be reelected and you know what? He just might be.

When he was elected I sat at my computer in disbelief. I had tears falling down my face because I knew this was going to be horrific for the environment, LGBTQ community, and just about anything that had a sense of decency about it.

I had no idea just how bad it truly was going to be.

I am horrified. I am embarrassed and I am just so....god thinking about all the people who are going to be killed because someone wants the attention of impeachment off of him. I FUCKING HATE HIM.

Anyway, I promised someone that I would make a gratitude list every day because even in the midst of this madness, I do have things that I am grateful for:

I am grateful for:

1. Everyone who reads this blog. I just spout things and you don't judge me. I appreciate that so much.

2. I am grateful for my health.

3. I am grateful for my dog and kitties.

4. I am grateful for my ability to keep going when I want to just give up.

5. I am grateful that I can vote.

What are you grateful for?

Monday Monday

What a day this was. I got home late and so I am just going to write down the things that I am grateful for today, and a couple things I need to work on. Oh, I didn't go to the gym, but I still have a few days left in the week to get my 4 days in.

What would I like to change about myself today?

1. I ate a blueberry muffin...just half of it, and felt really good about myself until I ate the other half waiting for my dinner to warm up.  I don't even know how that happened. I think I was in a blueberry blackout.  I mean...damn it.

2. I would have liked to go to the gym. But, today someone asked me if I was always happy and I lied and said yes, so that is good. People think I am friendly, nice to work with, laugh a lot and am kind. I also make sure I tell everyone how much I appreciate all their hard work....so the gym can suck it today.

On to my gratitude list:

1. I am so grateful for the rain here in the Pacific Northwest.

2. I am happy to know that people like working with me.

3. I am forever grateful to have good health. Uh, I'm getting a mammogram on Feb 4th...keep me in your thoughts.

4. I am grateful for the greeting I get from my dog when I get home. He always thinks I'm a rockstar even if I really am a Yanni. If you don't know who that is, don't bother looking him up.

5. I'm grateful for the internet.

How about you? What would you like to change about yourself today and what are you grateful for?

Learning to like myself more...creepy

How many times are you asked "what do you like to do," and how many of you give a real answer?

When I'm asked what I like to do I say I like to read...and I do...but I don't get a chance to much.

I say I like to go on hikes with the dog...and I do...but rarely are they for longer than 45 minutes.

I say that I like to hang out and chat with people...and I do...but mostly I do it online and if I am truly honest, I don't have a lot of face-to-face friends. I have a pretty close-net group on WhatsApp and I do talk to them quite a bit, but only get to see them once a year when I hit the UK running.

I also am in a chat group with some youngsters that always cheer me up.

What my life really is like is this: I work, come home and walk on the treadmill for anywhere between 23 and 30 minutes, walk Maddy, eat dinner, take a hot bath or shower and then watch tv until bedtime. I mean...I wish I were lying but I'm not.

On the weekends Maddy and I go for a longer walk and then come home and shoot the shit online all day. I sometimes play video games, but mostly I sit and watch TV or go to the movies.

Here is the thing about that, I am okay with it because honestly I'm both an extrovert/introvert. I like people and have fun when I'm around them, but I also like to hide and spend time by myself.

Before you judge me, I used to be the type of person that would rush home, shower, get dressed and rush back out the door because I couldn't stand the thought of being alone even for a few minutes. I was that insecure. Now, I enjoy my free time.

What I am trying to tell you is, this is growth for me.

I used to be terrified of ending up alone in my old age. Now...eh...the love of my life is gone. I can't imagine having another one, so I am enjoying doing things by myself. I have traveled alone. I go to the movies alone. (I like that because uh, I can be a chatterbox, lol), and I like to take hikes alone...well with Maddy.

I am far from lonely though. If I want to do something, I just have to put it out there and people will appear.

If you are single and afraid that you will never find love, fear not...if you want it, you will find it, and I mean that with everything in my heart.

I wanted to be in meaningful, trusting friendships and so I went looking for them and now have them through Rose and Rosie and Paige and Holly chat rooms.

If you want something bad enough...make the effort and depending on how reasonable a request it is, it will appear.

Here are the things I'm grateful for today:

1. I get to go to the UK and see my friends.

2. I'm going to Seattle Pride.

3. I am healthy...god I always need to say that and never take it for granted.

4. I live in a gorgeous place.

5. I tolerate my job, LOL.

What are you grateful for today?

So, I want to feel better

So now all the holidays are finally over.

The kids in the neighborhood are going back to school Monday and you'd think we were sending them to a job by the way they are acting.

But, I get it. I'm going back to working a full work week again. I'm also going back to eating something other than fat, sugar, and salt.

I've had about a glass of water a day, have not exercised at all except to walk the dog, and have been able to take a nap every day. I think that is going to be the hardest thing to give up...an afternoon nap.

On top of these horrible things, the weather here in the Pacific Northwest is not that lovely. Browns and grays seem to be the colors of the day and it still gets dark by 5 pm every day.

I have scheduled some holidays. I'm going to Seattle Pride end of June and going to the UK in July, but that is a long time away and by then the weather will be nice again and the sun will shine for more than 10 minutes an hour.

I do want to say with what is going on in Australia right now with the fires, I know I sound like a whiny spoiled child. So, what am I going to do to feel grateful for what I have...because I am very lucky.

I am going to start to take care of myself mentally and physically again starting tomorrow. I am going to eat like I want to be healthy. I am going to do my walking (can't run, bad ankle) on the treadmill at least 4-5 times a week and I'm going to take Maddy for more walks because it is good for him as well as myself.

I am also going to write a gratitude list every day here in this blog. I am going to do my best to write at least something every day to keep me on a healthier road. I'm no pollyanna. I just know that if I drink my water, get enough sleep, exercise and eat right I will feel better.

I'm already exhausted and haven't even started yet.

What do you want to change in your routine so that you feel better?

Happy ray of sunshine

Hello everyone. I haven't been writing because it has been the holidays and I wanted to enjoy them and not dig up my past messes for just a little while. I wanted to pretend that everything was fine and dandy. To tell the truth, I had a nice Christmas. I did finally end up going to therapy on Thursday and we discussed some helpful things in regards to social media that I can always make sure I do before I engage others with whatever I post.

1. If it is audio visual, just make sure it is cleared to launch.

2. Acknowledge that sometimes I post things just to get attention. I'm not the only one who does this and it is okay to be needy at times and that I should check my reasoning for posting if I am being negative.

3. If I am disgusted by something I read or see on social media, I do not have to respond to it.

I have put into practice these three things since I have been to therapy and I am no longer deboosted, I don't have high blood pressure from commenting on things that really no one needs to know my opinion about except for a few close friends. And, as far as I know, I have not caused any pain and suffering to myself or others.

The most important thing about having these three things to check before I post is one more time I feel that I can enjoy social media for what I think, for me, it was meant for...to make new friends and have discussions about things that interests the people in the conversation.

Don't get me wrong, I am still political and I have my opinions about things, don't worry about that. I just feel that right now I can do more good for the change I want to see in the world by showing up in person for trash pickups or handing out food or warm clothes, or signing people up to vote, than I can by posting about it online. It won't last. I'll be back online talking and stating politically how I feel soon. I just needed a timeout for a little while.

Do you have any rules that you follow in regards to your social media? Why did you make rules for yourself and what are those rules? Have they helped you to enjoy social media more or less because of them?

Understand that I am not judging what anyone posts. I love to read everything. I just think that for me right now I need to keep things simple.

Shame

It is Christmas Day. I've just gotten home from a wonderful day spent with people who voted for Trump, still call black people a word I shall not repeat, and who are homophobic and unapologetic about it. Yes, they know I am gay because I do not hide who I am anymore. They don't care if they hurt my feelings or not.

As I sat there watching and listening to them rant about the impeachment going on and about how America is a better place because of Trump, my mind drifted to some of the things I have done recently that I am trying to find a way to forgive myself for.

Here's the thing...I won't discuss it after this post, but I want to spend one more moment talking about shame. The shame I have is that I do not have the mental capacity to have a complete thought about most anything.

That is not my excuse, that is my reality.

So when I say I need to forgive myself for this one thing, what I am really meaning is...I have to forgive myself for having ADHD.

I have to forgive myself and accept that one more fucking time I have to work harder at things that other people just do without thought.

Now that is self-pity and I know it.

I feel fucking sorry for myself and I don't know what to do about it.

Before therapy I tried to ignore that I had this. I also didn't let myself have any close friends because I always do something stupid and they get upset and leave.

I am difficult because of my inability to pay attention unless it is in writing. Or, I do something without thinking and again...piss people off unintentionally.

I have to accept that I cannot do anything on the fly ever unless there is someone who I trust to tell me if I am starting to get out of line with actions or words.

The inside of my head is a whirling dervish of thoughts, colors, constant words and motion of which I only understand a portion of.

It is my reality. I am defective. I am broken. I am angry. And one more time I absolutely hate myself for it. But, I made a promise to my therapist and so I will let it go as best I can and work instead on the true reason for my shame. I can't wait to do that.

What about yourself do you love? I love that I really do care a lot for people. That I love hard and am loyal.

What do you hate about yourself? Obviously my ADHD.

Angry

I lost my temper yesterday. I lost it really badly.

This past week has been hell. I will not lie.

If you work in medicine or at a school or anything having to do with gifts or what not, you probably have been in hell like I have.

I don't like to lose my temper. It is horrifically ugly. I kind of go into a blind red rage where I almost step outside my body and watch myself explode all the while trying to get my attention to try and get me to just stop talking. I am told this thing that I do is part of having an adhd mind. It is like I know when I should get the hell away even before the first word is said and that if I don't do that, then I will explode like nothing you have ever seen before.

Here is the thing about my anger, I have a hot temper yes, but I rarely show it in front of others. I will go to the gym and power walk it off, or play video games, or just take a five minute timeout sitting on the toilet at the hospital to calm down. But, at least a couple times a year I get to the overload part of my job and someone will do something that I just cannot tolerate and I blow my stack.

It has been a little bit of a rough time right now and I am still trying to forgive myself for causing drama in my online family. I'm still trying to let things go that happened because of me. I'm trying to not keep beating myself up over it. I haven't been successful. I still think that I'm more trouble than I'm worth and I don't know how to change that. I also don't trust when others say everything is okay because it doesn't feel okay. So, with that going on in my mind, I am feeling less than, irritating, nonimportant, and disposable. I feel like I'm intruding on people who really are friends and I'm just a hanger on like I always have been.

One more time I feel different and that causes me to feel tense, unsure, and very angry...so I knew I was going to lose my temper about something. I was hoping it would be at home where I could lose it and just sit and scream cry while sitting on the bed and not scare everyone around me. Yeah, that didn't happen. I did, however, not chew this person out in front of anyone else. I took this person into a room and shut the door and ate his ass for lunch. I'm not proud of that, as a matter of fact I feel like a total bitch.

I seem to do things to punish myself and I wish I would just stop it. I love this time of year, but I also hate it because I see the things other people are doing and I just want to hide until the day is over.

If you asked me what I truly wanted for Christmas this year I'd say the ability to forgive myself.

I want that more than anything in the world.

Stressed out

How is everyone handling the stress of the last week before Christmas?

I have friends who work in bars, in retail, in graphic designing, one is a chef at schools, and one works in a grocery store and we are all about on our last nerve...which is blinking on and off...due to the last rush of trying to get everything done before having most of next week off.

I handle stress in a few ways. I overeat. That's my favorite...NOT. I sleep a lot. I don't do one ounce of housework, I allow myself to live with clusters of stuff all over the house, and or, I just sit and seriously fall asleep in my chair until my alarm goes off and I get up and walk Maddy and then go to bed.

My friend Dani asked me how I was doing with my horrendous surgery schedule this week and I replied that I hated everyone. She agreed and felt the same.

Tomorrow is my last really horrific day of surgery and then on Friday I have a lot of cases, but they are short and then I get to leave for the weekend and hide from everyone for a couple of days. Monday I'm going to the office to do some paperwork, but then I am mostly off for the rest of the week. I think Christmas Eve Day I may take Maddy for a walk and then come home and put on pajamas and just watch movies in bed all day. Not even kidding.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the holidays with all the good cheer and lights, parades and happy kids coming into my office....I'm lying, none of the kids are happy to see me in the office. Most of them try to bite me. But the rest I'm serious about.

It is when I forget that it is okay to slow down and just enjoy what I do for a living and realize that the best part of my job is the people I work with. I have to remember that I love to chat to my UK friends in the morning before I go to work. I love to talk to my football friends. I chat with recovery friends. My new adhd friends all talk over each other and that makes me laugh. I seriously have many groups of people who I really enjoy.

I have to remember that my life is good and that I am lucky most days. And after that I'm going to fall asleep in my chair until bedtime because even knowing all that, I'm still stressed as fuck.

How do you handle the stress of the holidays?

ADHD 101

I told my friend Gill that I would write about what having adhd is like. Here is one of the best articles I have ever seen which quite accurately describes what it feels like. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/kids-and-adhd/201304/the-truth-about-adhd

I mean this made me laugh and then sigh, because absolutely yes, this is how it feels:

"Studies have now shown that a fundamental characteristic of ADHD is that it varies according to the context in which the person is functioning. It’s almost like erectile dysfunction of the mind. They perform well if the task is something that actually interests them—something that really turns them on—they’re up for it. If it doesn’t turn them on, they cannot get up for it—they cannot adequately perform. This is due to differences in the chemistry of the brain."

I love to play the piano. I love to do surgery. When I do either of those two things one would think I was a normal functioning adult.

Then I saw this:

"The symptoms of ADHD can contribute to a variety of health problems, including compulsive eating, substance abuse, anxiety, chronic stress and tension, and low self-esteem."

Okay, I talk to my young friend Bethan about these things all the time. This is me to a T.

When I am having to be out in the world and do things that I am not that really interested, I make mistakes, or I bump into things. I can tell you that I only half listen to 90% of anything anyone says to me. Same with reading online or books or even tweets. I think I like to watch YouTube videos because they are short and can keep my attention...most of the time.

I have checks and balances in place now so that I don't do anything that has the potential to hurt anyone. I have learned that I need to do that the hard way...by hurting people.

People get tired of me doing dumb things all the time and eventually leave me. I understand why, I really do, but it hurts because I can't tell them why I do the things I do. I can't explain well enough that I just can't help it.

I've joined an adhd group and so far no one is listening to anyone else, we are all just posting our own stuff. It makes me laugh because oh my god...these are my people. But, on the other hand, I think of all these people out in the world just trying to get through the day and my heart hurts for them...but not for me. For me I get angry and frustrated and hate myself. I'm hoping to change that some day.

ADHD 101. Welcome to my world.

Being single is not a curse

Doing things alone seems to come with some kind of stigma. I have been single now for 9+ years. I will admit the first 4 or 5 years were a bit tough and so I didn't go to movies or eat out or much of anything other than work and race home to walk my dog and hide in the house. After a while I got sick of my own company and I decided to venture out on my own to areas where going alone is sometimes looked at with sad eyes.

Yeah, don't do that to me.

Here is what is good about doing things alone (I do also do things with people, but I'm trying to celebrate singlehood here).

1. I can pick out which movie I like, what time I want to go, and get whatever I want to eat during the movie.

2. I can go to bed at whatever time I want.

3. I never say no to sex, LOL

4. I can buy whatever I want whenever I want.

5. I don't have to justify how I want my house to look.

6. I don't have to do any chores if I don't want to. On the other side, every chore has to be done by me, so ying and yang there.

7. I don't have to go to the inlaws and do small talk for hours.

8. I don't tell myself that I'm lazy...much.

9. I don't have to eat my vegetables.

10. I can have the car of my choice.

11. Traveling is easier because I only have to worry about myself.

12. No one tells me that they are jealous of who I'm talking to.

13. I don't have arguments about whether or not I'm listening to them (she was always right about that...I probably wasn't listening, LOL).

14. I don't have to go to parties that I don't want to go to.

15. I can go to the UK every year if I want.

16. I don't have to listen to anyone snore or kick me in bed.

I hope you know that most of these are tongue-in-cheek and that I would give up all of them to have her with me right now. But, since that can't happen, I have been told to look at the positive sides of being single. I have gotten past the feeling of intense lonliness that I had in the beginning and now I kind of like being alone with just the dog and cats. My life also has a lot less drama in it. I have wonderful friends and so really if I wanted to get out and do something with someone I could.

My goal is to be happy with whatever life throws at me and to make the best of every situation. I also want to say that that sounds easier than it actually is some days.

If you are single, how do you feel about it? Do you go to movies or out to eat by yourself at all? What is the worst part of being single? What is the best part?

Elections

There are two things that I do not like to talk about at work. Politics and religion. With both you are either going to have someone agree with you, or you are going to find out that someone you like is, in your opinion, a complete bland cracker.

I'm sorry to say that if I hear that you have voted for Trump then no matter what I thought of you before, I now think you are homophobic, racist, ignorant, and have no concern for the planet.

Why am I talking politics now if I have said that I hate doing so? Well, here in the United States in 2016 I watched from my home as people voted for a man who could potentially retract all the good that President Obama had done in the previous 8 years.

I went into work the next day and cried in the locker room with one of the nurses because I told her that we were about to enter into the dark ages and we as a human race may never survive his years as president.

Sure enough, he retracted all the environmental protections, LGBTQ protections, and basically any and almost all good that Obama had put into place. He sided with what was previously our known enemies and looked the other way when racists attacks occured in our streets.

Some of my friends in the UK are feeling how I felt 3 years ago..helpless, angry, scared about how their life is going to change. I remember the Wednesday or Thursday after the election in this country Rose and Rosie put out a video where they said that they knew we needed a laugh after our election. I can't even remember what the video was about, but I appreciated them for doing it. My hope is, they will do the same for the UK.

Laughter helps. Sticking by each other helps. Fighting to make sure you don't lose your way of life helps and knowing that you are not alone and that we Americans understand also may help.

I don't know what the future holds for my UK friends, but I am here to tell you that over here in America the tide is turning blue. We have marched in the streets, stood on corners getting people to register to vote and doing our best to not let this thing get relected.

A new change is coming and this time women, POC, and the LGBTQ will be leading the charge.

Cha cha chain..chain of fools

Change is hard to deal with. Right now I'm trying to change the way I eat, make myself exercise daily, and work on the things that I can never change, so in other words, acceptance.

When someone first told me that I needed to have acceptance of things that happened in the past, I got upset. She said that just because I accepted something didn't mean that I still couldn't have a full range of emotions about the event. What acceptance means is...realizing that there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can either accept that fact, or go on beating myself up for not doing something different.

The thing is, I only know that I would do something different because I already know the outcome of what I did do. Does that even make sense?

Writing an inventory of things that have happened in my life and making a list of the people who were around me at that time is a vital part of leading a happy life. In the process of writing this inventory of my life I find that sometimes, no matter how much I mean what I say when I apologize for actions that have hurt others, I will not be forgiven or allowed back into someone's life again.

That hurts. It makes me want to explain in greater detail what was going on and why I was being like I was. No. I find when I start to do that I can tread into making excuses for my behavior and really all I can say is, I was a shit to you at that time and I apologize. If the other person wants to ask me questions I will answer truthfully, but if they say yeah thanks for the apology, but I don't want to talk to you again, I gather my dignity and leave.

Everyone has done things in their life that they regret.

When Jen died I was a complete shit to everyone. I admit that.

My desire is to say to everyone...my god why don't you understand that I was so hurt that I could barely function and you're an ass for getting angry at me. But, that would serve no purpose. So, I go to therapy and talk to my therapist about how angry I still am at the things that happened in the months after her death.

Tragedy causes people to strike out at others. I wanted someone to pay for the pain I was feeling. I wanted to attack everyone who was nice to me. I also wanted to hide away and never talk to anyone ever again. I didn't want to see anyone who knew her because their comments and sad faces made me want to beat them about the head.

I guess that is not okay, LOL.

I don't know if I will ever accept that fact that her dying so young was not my fault in some way. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her family for the pain they caused her and me in the last days of her life. I don't know if I could ever "completely" open up and let someone get to know the me that I only showed her.

I am willing to start the process a little by writing every night (when I don't fall asleep in my chair) something about myself. I only drop little things at a time just in case I get close to freaking everyone out and start getting...who the fuck are you comments from people. So far you have all be absolutely the sweetest and the private dms that you send me to talk about some of the things I write about I treasure. Believe me, I know how hard it is to open up.

For today I don't have acceptance, but I'm going to therapy tomorrow and will chip away with an ice pick at the iceberg that I have surrounding my heart with the goal of forgiving myself and accepting the things that I just can't change.

Have any of you ever been in this position with something? Let me know.

Whoopsie

I was going to write about change tonight.

Instead I managed to fall asleep in my chair.  

In other words, nothing has changed for today.  I'm so busy at work right now.  I'll write tomorrow.  

 

Asshole

Writing is interesting. I was told by my therapist to write my feelings down in a journal or blog every night and then we would read over them when I have my session on Thursday.

Looking back over the last week about what I wrote, all I can tell you is, I'm mostly feeling hungry or tired these days. I did have moments of feeling jealous, or angry, or sensitive. Last night I watched a marching band perform and I started crying. I mean...seriously?

I'm mostly happy during the day at work. I am a firm believer that being an asshole only makes things worse. I have seen physicians just tear people alive for not being as close to perfect as possible. If I yell at someone they get nervous, or mad, and then they could drop something or stab me or god knows what. I don't want that to happen.

If I am eating out and my food isn't exactly what I ordered, do you think I'm going to scream at the person bringing my food? What do you think I am, crazy? Don't answer that.

I do get a little upset when I travel, but here is the thing, since I know myself pretty well, I make sure I give myself a lot of layover time so that I don't scratch the skin on my arms off while waiting. That seems to bother the people around me, lol.

It's really not that hard to be nice to people.

Since I know I am an impatient person at heart, and also have anxiety, I try to plan things as best I can.

Sometimes I sit in the parking lot of a store for just a minute and tell myself that I need to calm down, be patient and nice when I'm inside.

Every day I tell myself to be kind at work and that everyone is stressed out and doing the best they can.

Now don't get me wrong, if I feel like someone is trying to play me, I will tell them about themselves, but even then once I have said what I need to say, I let it go and go back to being kind. There are enough assholes out there. I do not need to add another bad attitude to the masses.

Being nice can be stressful sometimes, I won't lie LOL.

So, how do I rid myself of this built up anger that I sometimes have by the end of the day? I run on the treadmill. Or I did. I have an ankle injury that has made it impossible to run anymore, so now I walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes a day. I then come home and lift some very light weights, and finally walk the dog around the block and breathe in and breathe out.

Some days I hate people. But, then I come home and catch up on the gossip of the day. I check in with what my favorite people are talking about. I watch some TV and make a gratitude list. Some days it is a short list. But, every day I make myself write a few things in my journal of what I'm grateful for for that day.

Sometimes it is just that I didn't strangle someone that day...not even kidding.

I've had loss in my life...a really horrible horrible loss that I am still angry about, but I also know that I am extremely lucky to have the life I have. I have friends and purpose and a dog and two kitties. I get to travel to England in the summer to see my friends. I have a roof over my head, a car that I can drive. I am healthy. I have a job where I get to help people...and get bit by at least one kid a week....WTF? lol.  I still get angry even knowing all of that. But, I'm working on it. How? By trying to accept the things I just can't change and change the things I can. It isn't as easy as it sounds.

How do you deal with unresolved anger? How do you relieve stress...keep it clean, though the other way helps too, LOL. Talk to me. Tell me about you.

The L Word Generation Q

Waaaay back in 2009 by the time The L Word had wrapped up its final season I was sick to death of everyone on the show. I hated Jenny. I was still upset about Dana. I thought that Bette and Tina moving to New York was a cop out and I never could see what the big deal was about Shane.

I loved Alice in a...she's the girl you want to go to coffee with so you can hear all the dirt on all your friends kind of way. She is the one who you never want mad at you, lol.

But, when they made Jenny into a monster, I started to lose interest. I mean, I thought about rewatching the original L Word to get ready for The L Word Generation Q (TLWQ), but I couldn't make myself go though that again. By season 6 the show was painful to watch.

You have to understand when the original L Word came out, no one other than the people in the LGBTQ community knew what happened with lesbians. We had Queer As Folk which took us into the Gay community. We also had the AIDS crisis which also brought the straight community into our world. But, lesbian life was still basically an unknown and when the show came out the world went nuts for everyone on the show.

If I look at each character in the original series I have a face from my own group of friends who I could put in their place. Hell, I could do that now. It was a pretty accurate portrayl of life in LA with the exception that there were very few women of color in the show. That is not LA at all.

What I like about this show already is that there are all races and sexualities. I'm hoping that it also will show that a woman in her 50s is still hot, sexual, and still in the process of trying to know who she is.

I loved the premier. I hope that I continue to like it.

I'll do a commentary of the show each Sunday night and I want your opinions too. I want to know what you think, but be careful of spoilers when writing.

The L Word is back and I didn't realize just how much I needed it in my life.

Burning Ring of Fire

Some of my favorite people in the whole world are getting to hang out this weekend and my heart is so happy for them that I almost can't take it. Have fun you guys.

Today at work we were talking about our inside voice and our outside voice. What I mean by that is, my inside voice is what I really think of a situation and if I tell you what my inside voice is saying, either I am on a sugar high...which can happen...or I trust you completely.

My outside voice is the one I use to play nice with.

I don't trust too many people. It is not that I think that I am all that special because I don't. It is just that I have a few issues regarding people who I thought I could trust breaking that trust by telling others what I said.

Just because you need to vent about someone every once in a while does not mean that you want them out of your life or that you are even angry at them. Sometimes you just need to talk something out with someone you trust. To have that trust broken is one of the worst feelings in the world and one that once it happens, I never talk the same way to that person ever again. I don't completely ghost them, I just fog them.

It is very obvious when I do this, but I don't care. Trust is earned and if I lose it, then probably it will never come back again. I think everyone is like this.

Because of the way that I am, I have come up with a plan in regards to people who break up, or family matters or work...anything where there is one person who is running the argument. Meaning, they are in the center of the storm and if there is no way one cannot pick a side, then I will ask the person I am closest to what they would like me to do. If they want me to unfollow the other person, I will do it.

If I am close to both parties, I let both people know that I am still talking to both. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't, but that is how I do it.

The reason I am talking about this tonight is, I was looking at some photos of people who I was really close to, and now who I don't talk to at all. I am a bit mad at how things went down, but I will not grovel to be anyone's friend. I will not beg to be recognized or loved or anything because I am worth more than that. It doesn't mean, however, that I don't miss them, because I do. It doesn't even mean that I don't love them, because I do, but as I said, I won't sell my soul to the highest bidder anymore.

My group of friends is smaller now, but I trust them with my life and I trust that they care about me as much as I care about them. I also know that I can say anything and it will stay in the group.

But, still, sometimes I still miss what was.

I'm an idiot

At London Pride last year we were all sitting outside just talking and all of a sudden the topic of money came up and everyone looked at me and one person asked me how much money I make. I told them and then quickly said that on that salary I pay for 8 other people's salary. She didn't hear that part, LOL.

At Rose and Rosie's Overshare Documentary someone actually stood up, in front of Rose's parents, and asked how many times a week they had sex. Everyone in the audience groaned and looked uncomfortable as they waited for their reply. I mean, Rose had a funny answer and everyone laughed and they moved on, but god!!

Why are we so afraid to talk about money and sex in a society where those things seem to be the only thing anyone does want to talk about? I love Stevie's videos because the girl just comes right out and talks about everything under the sun.

Why are some subjects okay to talk about and others make us cringe.

Today in therapy my therapist asked me what I was embarassed or ashamed of about myself.

1. I talk too much.

2. I sometimes am all by myself on the weekends...which I don't mind, but I don't want anyone to know so they don't pity me.

3. I have a lot of college education, but I still can't spell and I think people think I'm stupid...and I feel stupid.

4. I have a bad temper.

5. I'm overweight.

6. I struggle to care about how I dress and sometimes people I know see me and I look homeless.

7. I sometimes get jealous of others when Rose or Rosie responds to them. I mean, how old am I again?

8. I don't like people coming into my home. I have no idea why. I think it is because I don't want people to see that I don't have it decorated and I've been here many years.

9. My dog and cats are overweight. I mean, people are mean about that. We're all on diets here. In other words, we're all mad, lol

10. I sometimes feel like I'll never be good enough.

11. I'm embarrassed to tell people that I didn't push Jen to get a mammogram earlier because I didn't think it was anything to worry about.

12. I struggle going to the doctor for checkups. I'm due to go since August and I haven't gone yet or had my mammogram. I need to.

13. I'm afraid no one likes me.

14. I'm afraid to be left out.

15. I'm afraid of growing old all by myself.

I have to take this list to my therapist next week and I can tell you what she is going to say already...I'm going to have to tackle these things and tell people about them. I'm going to have to write a list of what I can start to do to change my thinking about each and every one. I am going to fight her on this because I know me. She will tell me to treat myself like I treat others.

Why, if I know how this will turn out, do I go to therapy in the first place? I'm suicidal. I'm afraid if I don't go I'll kill myself.

Queer as Folk

Sorry everyone.  I went looking for the new L Word on Showtime, realized it doesn't start until next Sunday, and then started watching Queer as Folk. I ended up watching three episodes and now I'm stupid tired.  

I also read today where straight people were found to be nicer if they had an out LGBTQ person as a friend.  

You're welcome. 

I'll write a blog tomorrow after therapy.  I always have a lot to say after that.  

Giving Tuesday

Today in the United States it is Giving Tuesday. This is a day where one gives money to a charity who is not funded by anything other than donations.

Today for Giving Tuesday I donated to the Senior Dog Rescue of Oregon.

This group accepts dogs 7 years and older without question or judgment.

If you are a dirty turd and want to get rid of your faithful companion, all you have to do is call these people and they will come and get your best friend and you won't have to take them to a shelter. So I donated.

I also have to say that if you are not in it for life with a pet, do not adopt, rescue, buy or anything else. These are living beings who consider you family and have dedicated their lives to loving you and making sure you are safe. If you don't think you can be with them one day at a time until their last breath, then do them a favor and don't even bother.

If you get a boyfriend/girlfriend, have a child or whatever...and find one of them is allergic to your pet, get on allergy medication. Do not make a choice of one over the other.

I will say if you find you cannot take care of said animal and find them a loving home where you know they will have a better life, then I don't despise you.  

I've never met a dog who was an asshole. I have, however, met many people who were. I donated because I love dogs more than people.

There I said it.

Kiss my ass holiday traveling

Can we just stop for a moment and just look at the Christmas lights? Can I, for one minute, not have to defend not going home to Ohio for Christmas this year because I do not want to have the hassle of holiday traveling. Am I being rude? Not really because I told the parental units that I would pay for them to come out here and they said they didn't want the hassle of holiday traveling. I was like...you're kidding me, right? I work a full time job and you are retired. But this is my fault because I don't want to see them. Whatever.

Parents are a pain in the ass sometimes and yes, I know how lucky I am to have them alive and healthy in their 80s. I also know that they don't really understand that I can't just close the office whenever I want and do whatever I want. I have commitments to the people I work with.

I close the office two times a year and that is for vacations. We all take vacations at the same time every year. I will sometimes take Spring Break off and then I take the end of August off to travel to England for a Pride. I'm finding that I like Manchester Pride the best. This year I'm doing Pride and then heading north to Scotland and probably spending 3-4 days there. I say all this to say, no, I'm not flying to Ohio when it is winter and where I might get stranded there. Oh my god, I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than have that happen.

Holiday stress is horrible because it is also one of the busiest times in my office.

Today I did four surgeries. Doesn't sound like much until you realize I started at 7:30 and finished at 3:30. I then took my car to get the oil changed and the tires rotated. I left for work this morning at 6:20 a.m. and I got home at 6 p.m. this evening. I have a lovely dog sitter who took Maddy to the mountain for a walk and then let him ride in the car with her while she did errands. She never leaves him alone in the car. She's a good dog person. I came home to a very tired and happy boy.

I ate dinner at 6:15 pm and did some Christmas shopping online. I actually just sent money to one of my friends in Scotland so she could buy her own gift from Rose and Rosie. I also did the same for another friend because the gifts wouldn't get there in time if I didn't do it that way. Afterwards I tried to buy some more things, but just couldn't make myself do it and now I'm writing this blog.

I like gift shopping for people a lot. I have to not be tired when I do it or else I will get the address wrong and god knows where the present will end up.

I have taken a hot bath. I have on my new polar bear pjs. I am planning on being in bed early and hopefully tomorrow I will be in the Christmas spirit. Tomorrow will be a better day, I just know it.

I will say that I played Bethan's strong woman playlist in the operating room today and we all loved it. I thought of her all day and I am extremely proud of that kid.

I'm proud of all of them.

The UK and me

It is that time of year again where I get to send people I love something in the mail that is not a poop sample.

I have a list of people and beside their names I have what I want to send them. Now, to be honest, I do not go overboard really for presents because it really is the thought that counts, right? But, I also pay attention to the people I'm buying things for throughout the year and so by the time I sit down to actually start to shop, I pretty much have an idea what I'm going to get.

I always wonder if getting a couple one gift is practical and when Jen was alive, we'd get couple gifts all the time, so yeah...if you are in a couple, you're going to get one gift, LOL

I like buying things for people, but I have been told in the past that I can get a little out of control in that department, so I make sure I talk to the person who runs my money and we make out a budget. No one should go into major debt at Christmas. I call him Scrooge and he calls me Big Spender on a Budget. Mean.

I would rather spend less money and be with the people I love than buy glamorous gifts and not be able to hang out. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends are in the UK.

WOW it is scary buying things on Amazon UK for the first time. I mean, my hands were shaking, LOL. I've made a separate UK account because it is cheaper. See? I can budget if I want to.

It's weird about the UK...what is with those addresses? I get the same crap about my address soooooo, everything is good.

It is like the Twilight Zone a bit though..similar, but different, and I do get confused when I go over there. Just sayin.

I know this is a crap blog tonight, but I am going back to work tomorrow after being ill all last week and I am trying to hard to keep my promise to that therapist to write something every day. She didn't say it had to have substance, just that I write. Journaling frees the soul.

My soul has now been freed for the day.

Long term

Today I want to talk about how to have a relationship that lasts more than 2 months.

Finding someone who is on the same page as you can be quite difficult and I'm not quite sure why.

Every day on Twitter I see many young women state how much they want a girlfriend. I'm like, you two both want girlfriends, go out with each other and see what happens. I don't quite understand the fear of dating these days.

Okay, I've already told you that I was a serial dater in my 20s. I told you I was that way because I was in school and didn't have the time or the energy, if I must be honest, to put into being in a relationship with all that comes with it.

I'm wondering what these young people really are thinking of when talking about being in love.

When I think of early love, I think of walking along the ocean hand in hand, talking about everything under the sun; making plans for the future and just wanting to be as close to each other as you can be, and of course having a lot of spontaneous sex that lasts long into the night, not caring how tired you are in the morning because you are in love. Doesn't that sound wonderful? It does to me.

Here's the thing...that kind of love doesn't last. As a matter of fact, if it does last for more than a year, you will die of exhaustion, lol.

I was married for 20+ years to the same woman before she died. Yes, some poor woman put up with me for that long and did not try to strangle me. She was a saint.

After the glow of that early love starts to wane, that is when a lot of people think they are no longer in love and break up. I mean when you haven't had sex for a week, or longer, because work has started to interfere with everything; when your girlfriend wants to have a girl's night out because (in your mind) she hates being around you and wants to just get away for a damn minute, or worse, probably has a crush on someone else and won't tell you, and when you start to feel paranoid and needy that is when the fighting begins. One person is insecure and the other person is not. One person seems to love more...because they are needy and scared and desperate to let the other person know how they feel...and the other person is blissfully unaware of this fact until there is a blowup where one or the other destroys the relationship trust in one sentence or less because of fear, noncommunication of said fear until it has reached a boiling point, or just being so destracted by life that you have forgotten what about that other person you fell in love with because at that moment you absolutely hate her.

Been there, done that.

Here is what we did. We had sex every Sunday night no matter if the world was falling apart or not. We did not allow ourselves to have bed death and had sex even if we hated each other at the moment. We also made ourselves do things together...just us...hold hands, be romantic, and talk...and then go home and have sex on Sunday. Sunday was our day and no one could make plans with other people unless it was discussed first. It was mostly lovely. I do say mostly, lol.

What people don't realize is, there has to be rules in a relationship and not just the common ones that everyone does. OF COURSE YOU DON'T CHEAT..emotionally or physically. That emotional one sneaks up on you, so be careful. It is quite easy for one of the couple to disappear into their head and not even realize it; to slowly pull away and stop being present. I remember we would be sitting and watching television together and my head would be miles and miles away...thinking about god knows what.

We set up a once a month...you're pissing me off and here's why discussion. During the discussion both of us could tell each other what we were feeling about each other and what we were afraid of. I am distracted easily and most of Jen's comments were about that. She was very self-sufficient and so I would tell her that I didn't think she loved me anymore or that she needed me for anything. I mean I would say that every time. I'm so pathetic.

We also made sure that at least a couple times a month we would go and do things with friends, as a couple and by ourselves. We always made sure to have friends together and separate. It was important to be individuals as well as a couple. To be honest, I struggled with this more than she did. I also thought everyone she did things with wanted her...and they did. I'll fight you on this.

Come to find out, she was just as worried about me because I am not afraid of people. I will talk to anyone and evidently that is an attractive trait. Who knew I was attractive? Huh.

Also in relationships there are chores, family, sickness, money issues, pain and loss and if you don't have a strong foundation...by having monthly serious talks, and weekly sex, and dates and time with friends...you will crumble.

Listen, let's talk about longterm sex for just a minute. There are times when you are bored to death with your partner...have sex anyway. There are times when you have to schedule sex because you are so busy...do it anyway. There will be times when you can't keep your hands off each other. Those are the best times and they just show up out of the blue. Having sex is the one thing that makes being in a relationship different than being in a friendship. Have sex, have sex, have sex...don't go to the friendzone. And, if you haven't had sex for a while, be brave and talk about it. Your needs are important. Talk about them. I understand that can be scary as fuck. Be brave.

It is also a good thing to have a best friend along with a partner because many times that person will talk you down from the "SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME AND I'M GOING TO CONFRONT HER ABOUT IT" speech that you sometimes may want to have when everyone is too damn tired for that shit.

The good things about longterm love for me was...I felt safe with her. I trusted her...well, except when she went out with all her girlfriends...just kidding, maybe.

I could never figure out why she wanted to be with me. I knew why I wanted to be with her...she was hot and always made me laugh until my sides hurt and she would listen to me ramble on about god knows what and then make me cookies. She was fun, but also sweet, responsible and encouraging. I told her one time she was the Golden Retriever of girlfriends. She did not take that like the compliment I meant it to be.

She told me that if she committed to me, that was it and to get used to having her around all the time because she didn't play. If I wasn't serious, then I needed to leave. Oh, I was serious all right.

She also told me that I needed to be trained on how to live with someone like a puppy needs to be potty trained. She said I was ferral, LOL. I miss her and that is all I'm going to say about that.

So, what do you think of this? What would you change and if you are in a relationship, what makes it special for you? Why did you pick the person you are with? What is special about her or him? Tell me everything.

Helpless

I have permission to use names in this post. I asked.

Feeling helpless is one of the worst feelings in the world. We all have felt it.

Tonight I had that panicked feeling because I am on the other side of the world and my friend Zoe was in a pretty desperate situation. All I could do was keep texting her and tell her to keep talking to me.

See, she was locked outside her house in the freezing cold in the UK and couldn't wake up the people inside to let her in. I was just checking my phone and happened to see it and started talking to her. I found another friend on Twitter and so together we tried to keep this person talking while we tried to figure out what to do.

The person I found on Twitter lives in Scotland. I live in America, and our friend lives in England. You see my point. My fear for her was that she was going to get hypothermia, which is a quite dangerous thing to get.

So, trying to talk to someone who is hurting, freezing cold, probably not really able to think and be rational because of those things, sent me into a bit of a panick because she would not call the cops to help her get inside, which I asked her to do many times over.

I tried to phone her. Eva did too. I tried to Facetime her. Nothing. I kept telling her to stay awake and talk to us, but she would disappear for minutes at a time and let me tell you, those were some fucking long minutes.

I'm writing about this because it freaked me the hell out and I was scared to death for her. I was afraid she'd fall asleep, and that would not be good. Also, no one had her address so we couldn't just call the cops because we didn't know where to send them.

If you are out there and are single and live alone, or even if you have a partner, or live with someone, always have a backup plan to get to a safe area when you are out, no matter if it is daylight or darkness. I know this is the Mother Gay in me speaking, but I have a backup plan to getting into my house and want you to have one too.

Everthing turned out okay and for that I'm extremely grateful, but damn it sometimes I wish I lived closer to everyone over there. We have a group of friends who I know I could call for anything and one, or all of them, would be on their way in a minute to help.  I was just getting to the point of calling Gill and Gail when she texted that her mum had woken up and let her in. Now we wait to see how badly she will be hurting in the morning because having a body temperature that is too low can be painful to rewarm.

We'll all be there for her. We'll tell the rest of the family what happened when they wake up and then everyone will tell everyone that they love each other...because we do...and be thankful for another day above ground.

Zoe, you should have wrapped that huge skirt around you a few times to stay warm, LOL. I love you so much.

I'm feeling good

It was a fun Thanksgiving and....I'm feeling good

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y11hwjMNs

To all the dogs I've loved before

In my lifetime I've had many dogs.

The first dog in my life was a mixed Scottish terrrier named Shaggy. My aunt Vonda brought her to my sister and I against my mom's wishes but, you guessed it, she became her favorite person. She and I grew up together. When I was struggling to learn to read, I would take my book up to my room and she would come with me and I would the read the words aloud to her. She never judged me and always, when I would say "I'm done" wag her tail and lick my face. She died when she was 13 and is buried under the old oak tree at my parent's home. My mom cried for days when she died. I would go and sit under the tree where she was buried and just lay back and stare at the sky and tell her about my day. I still miss her.

A black lab came down the driveway one day. It was obvious that someone had just dropped him off. He was starving, as his ribs were sticking out. What I remember about him was, even though obviously he had had a rough time of it, he was wagging his tail and about as friendly as they come. I'm not sure how the decision was made to keep him. I think he decided to keep us because whenever we went outside, there he was. He would go with my dad out to the fields to do farmwork and he would go with me when I would go horseback riding all over the fields where we lived. He would never come in the house. It scared him too much, but that dog...unfortunately his name was Blackie...I did not name him...that dog never left our side. One night when my dad's tractor tipped over, mom and I heard barking in the driveway and we went out to see what was wrong and Blackie lead us to my father who wasn't hurt, but was stuck in the mud. Blackie died after I left for college, but the last time I saw him, I got out of the car and this very old, almost white faced, black lab came hobbling out of the barn wagging his tail the entire time and was overjoyed to see me, but not as overjoyed as I was to see him. I spent a lot of time with him then and told him all my secrets. I told him about how scared I was at school and that I didn't think I belonged there. He just put his head on my knee and fell asleep. I still miss him terribly.

Because of school and residency and so many other things I was pretty much dogless for a while. I regret that, but I believe that if you get a dog you are responsible for their life. I am responsible to give them exercise, love, and adventure. I could not do that then.

When I got out of residency, had met Jen and finally moved in with her we went to the mall one day and in the window of a pet food store was a little black pig. Now of course it wasn't a pig, it was a Chow puppy. I am a fan of shelter dogs, but I was stupid back then. Anyway, there was this little pig dog and we went in and sat with her and she was the cutest thing. We went back home and tried to forget about her. After about 30 minutes we got back in the car and went to get her. Now Nicolette was not the smartest bulb in the batch, but she was a cutie. She helped me through the beginnings of my medical practice and sometimes Jen would bring her up to the hospital and we would all sit out by the ocean, letting the breeze blow through our hair while I told Jen that I may have made a mistake going into medicine. LOL. It was so hard. My relationship was new, I no longer had people guiding me at work, and I was under a tremdous amount of stress. I would come home from the operating room, kiss Jen on the cheek, and then leash up Nicolette and we would go for a walk around the neighborhood. I would tell her about my day and she would sniff the grass. Sometimes the three of us would get in the car and drive down PCH by the Pacific Ocean with all the windows open and just let the ocean breeze take all our problems away. Nic got bladder cancer and had lost her ability to hold her urine. Jen sat me down one day and said that it was time to let her go. I sobbed for weeks over that dog/pig. I still miss her today.

We were going to wait before getting another dog because I just didn't think I could do that again. Yeah, that lasted until one day Jen saw an ad in the senior dog rescue about an American Bulldog named Winchester. Winchester farted...so much. When Jen picked him up from the guy all he had for toys was an old plastic ball. The guy said that he didn't like toys. Really? Because when he and I laid eyes on each other, first of all it was love at first site and second of all, I had one of Nicolette's soft babies on the desk and I gave it to him and he snatched it out of my hand and chewed on it for the rest of the night. Needless to say from that point on he was my dog. Jen was like...when is an animal going to pick me over you for a change, LOL. I would walk Winny down the street every morning before going to the hospital and everyone knew his name and would come out of the shops and pet his head. He loved guitar music. One day we were at the coffee shop where Jen worked and this guy took out his guitar and Winny almost pulled me out of the chair to go put his head on this strange guy's knee and stare lovingly up at him while he played. That dog knew where all his soft babies were at all times and I could say...go get dragon or cow, and he would go get that very toy. Winny died of a cardiac arrest in my arms. It was fast. I was devastated for a very long time. I still miss the little clown.

Jen had discovered a lump in her breast and we decided to get the hell out of Los Angeles and move to a quieter place further up the west coast. We moved to Oregon, to a little college town with a few hospitals around where I could work and she could go to school to learn about bugs. Yep. Ugh. One day we were in a Safeway grocery store when we saw a sign that said "Free Puppies." Well, we grabbed the number and called and ended up driving 1.5 hours to "just take a look" at these puppies. Well, they were border collie/springer spaniel mixes and just the cutest things. Jen reached down and just picked one up. He was all black except for four white feet. On the way home a Luther Vandross song came on the radio and we looked at each other and right then his name was Luther. Oh my god we thought Luther was so dumb. He wasn't. We came to find out that the people gave him away too soon and was only six weeks old when we got him. Luther and I would go for walks. Now, Oregon gets some rain and so many times I would take him out in the pouring rain and end up picking him up and putting him inside my coat and carrying him the rest of the way and then he'd go in the house and he would poop and pee. My bad. My fault. Listen, he was little! When he got older and we wanted to house train him, we thought that maybe getting an older dog would help. We looked on the animal shelter webpage and saw Kya...a yellow lab.

They said she was five years old. Come to find out that she was probably more like seven, but she was the sweetest dog in the entire world and her, Lu, Jen and I would go for walks on the mountain every day of the week. There was a lake where we would go and we would let Kya swim every day. She glided and was such a beautiful swimmer. Meanwhile Luther was like a tugboat, just puffing along and splashing away.

After Jen died I sat on the couch and didn't want to move. I wanted to die. I wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone. Those dogs are the only beings on this planet who really knew what went on. They saved my life. They would get on either side of me and just put their heads on my legs and let me stare for hours at the walls. Eventually I would get up and we would go for walks on the mountain. Sometimes I wouldn't talk all weekend, but they knew me. They knew what I needed. They saved my life. Luther died of nasal cancer when he was 13 and 1/2. It was in April. I don't think, other than when Jen died, that I have ever cried that hard for anyone ever. Kya died the following July. Three months to the day. I still miss them both so much. I have their ashes on my desk. One day I'm going to spread them together at the lake on the mountain.

I was on the computer one day and just for a whim I looked at the SafeHaven Animal Shelter web page to see the dogs up for adoption. On the page a strange little dog stood out. He was a rotweiller/basset hound mix, but it was his eyes that captured me the most. It was like he was looking right at me. I called to see if he was still available and the girl said that he was and that someone had just brought him back to the shelter because he wasn't a good fit for their family. I drove out to the shelter and walked back to see him and he took one look at me and started jumping and wagging his tail. I turned to the girl and asked how much.

Madegascar, or Maddy for short, is a site for sore eyes. He has the legs of a basset hound with the look of a rotty. I have people stop their car to ask what he is. What he is, is a sweetie pie and I can't imagine my life without him. He does have a nickname of "Little Humper" at the dog park, but SO WHAT. LOL. He is a lovebug and is just the happiest of boys. He has more friends than I do, and gets to go to the dog park every day while I am at work. He and I go for hikes up the mountain and to the park. We like to drive to the ocean and walk on the beach. I don't think he had ever seen the ocean before and that was an experience the first time, let me tell you. He has a trunk full of toys and loves to run up and down the hall "killing that baby."

I can tell you about my life by which dog was in it at the time. I will always have a dog. When Maddy passes, I will go to the animal shelter and get some old dog and we will slowly walk around the neighborhood and wave at passing cars. I will stand out in the rain getting soaked while he or she finds the right spot to pee or poop in. I will roll my eyes and say "come on!" when I really don't mean it. My life slows down when I'm walking my dog. I stop and talk to people. I look at the sky. I look at what they are digging for in the dirt. I go places and see things and have adventures. My life is complete with a four-legged companion in my life.

Adopt a shelter dog.

Love sucks

Let's get right to the point. Young love either sucks or is so grossly cute that everyone else wants to puke glitter around the people in love.

I have been young before. I have dated many women in my lifetime and here is the thing...we aren't going to slut shame here and I will not tolerate that one bit. But, when I was in the date of the day club I never once let on that I wanted anything other than a booty call.

I never promised them forever, never told them I loved them, didn't attack them for who they were, we just had sex. I was always completely honest and yes, I have had some uncomfortable times when I would run into one or two of women I had dated while on a date with somenew new. It was West Hollywood, heartbreak happened every day.

There were unspoken rules though...you never promised anything you weren't ready to back up.

If they were seeking a relationship, I would tell them that I wasn't going to do that and that was uncomfortable, but being honest to someone you only want sex with is really the only thing you can give them.

We all want to be loved. "I" want to be loved, but I am doing it via friendship and not a lover. I am worn out by all the dating bullshit if I'm honest. I mean, I have shared here that if someone just happened to sneak up on me and I found her attractive, funny, and interesting I may consider it, but even then I will make sure that this woman knows that I am not an easy mark. She will have to be patient and willing to let me go as fast or as slow as I want or need and I will have to be willing to go as fast or as slow as she needs.

In other words, do not hold your breath this will ever happen, LOL. I'm honestly okay with it.

I have some young friends struggling right now. It hurts my heart that I don't have any answers for them. All I can do is listen, try to share my history and what I've learned and let them know that I absolutely love them and want them in my life and that I always will. That's obviously good, but not what they want.

It hurts to see your ex being happy. It hurts to have to guess what the hell the person you are in love with is thinking. Every minute of the day your mind is thinking...what is wrong with me that no one wants to be with me. I get that.

Here's the thing, that's not completely true.

There is always someone out there who wants you. Hell, I have someone now who wants to date me, but see, and here is where it gets tricky, we don't want who wants us. We want that unavailable one who kicks our hearts into the dirt and makes us feel unlovable. I mean...makes sense to me.

So if you are reading this and confused about your love life right now, all I have to tell you is, treat yourself like you want to treat this person you want to date...unless you want to punch her and don't do that. Hit a pillow instead. I know that is not what you want to hear, but listen to sad music, cry in the tub, talk to your friends, pine over old photos, get mad over the new photos or IG that you see of them and just live your life.

You can't make someone talk to you and you can't rush getting over someone.  That, my friends, is the suckiest part of it all now isn't it?

P&P

I have had a kidney stone and the plague this weekend. First of all I promised Zoe I would write this so blame her for the details.

I woke up Saturday feeling like crap. I couldn't blame it on being a work day, so I paid attention to what was going on. I walked the dog and drank my coffee. I was desperately wanting some water, but had to be at a meeting at 9 and knew I couldn't drink anything because I'd be stuck in there for an hour.

After the most boring meeting in the world I went to the grocery store to get things to make a veggie stew. In the store I started feeling really sick...like I've got to get the hell out of here now sick. I made it home. Yay. I managed to throw up in the correct spot and not the car, yard or hallway like I thought was going to happen.  Also, I'll just use the term puke from now on because who wants a visual of throwing up. My back hurt like a motherfucker and I drank 24 ounces of water and took my temp. It was 100. Not good.

I walked Maddy, my dog, again just around the block because he did not give one hot fuck that I was sick. What I didn't tell you is, I had also agreed to watch the neighbor's little dog for the weekend and so I had to go next door and also walk Miso.

Miso is a tiny little dog who likes to walk really fast.

So, with feeling like I was going to puke, poop, and pass out all at once, I take Speed Racer for a walk. We literally take off running. But, then he stopped suddenly and I almost trip over him, screaming because my back is very angry at this point. He peed and pooped, waited for his bitch...uh, that's me...to pick up the poop and then off we go again at a racehorse speed. I was exhausted, sore, and cranky by the time we got home. It literally only took five minutes, but I was done. He, however, was extremely happy because I then bribed him with treats to get the little bastard inside.

I come back inside and lie down and watch Hallmark Channel movies for a solid 8 hours with my eyes closed. I set the alarm to wake up to again walk Maddy and Speed Racer next door at 8 pm. I have peed and/or puked by now at least 50 times. At first I thought it was the demon punkin pie I had bought at Trader Joe, but no I had the plague and I'll tell you how I knew in a minute.

For my kidney stone I had taken some expired Flomax that I had prescribed from my last stone that I found in my medicine cupboard. Don't take expired medicine kids...blow me...I was desperate. I called a friend who said he would send in a new prescription to the pharmacy on Monday because I told him I had enough for the weekend. I did not tell him the drugs were expired. My bad.

That night I got up and peed every 30 minutes for at least 5 hours. When daylight hit on Sunday I woke up with a painfree back. My kidney stone had passed. But, I also woke up with the need to...you guessed it...puke. Which I did...over and over until I had scared all the cats and the dog with the sound. I mean, I've never seen such wide eyes on a dog before. I walked both dogs again and since I had nothing left in my stomach I took Maddy to the park and boy was that a mistake. I got home and slept for almost the entire day. That night I called my scheduler and told her I needed to cancel all five of my surgeries today because I was afraid I'd either poop or puke in the wounds.

I am here now and have eaten and held everything down so far. The neighbors are back and are walking Speed Racer their own damnselves, and the dog sitter just brought Maddy home from the dog park. I have not puked all day...poop we will not talk about. I took an hour and a half nap. I still have a fever of 100, but the plan now is to go to work tomorrow.

Come to find out that last week I saw some kid from a school that was closed today because of an outbreak of norovirus. Little bastard gave it to me. The kidney stone, HOLLY, I got from not drinking enough water. Just saying a shoutout to my fellow water resister, right Paige?

So, tell me about your weekend. Send Bethan some love please.

Don't be jealous

"It doesn't take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go." J. C. Watts

From writing this blog for the short time that I have, I have come to the realization that I am a downer. I think I am being strong by just getting out of bed and doing what most everyone in the world is doing. I go to work. Big deal.

Everyone has something going on in their lives that makes them cry in the shower sometimes. I am not unique in the fact that I have lost a loved one.

In the 1980s and 90s I sat with countless men who had watched their loved one die from a horrific disease. If I can be totally honest, we lost so many that eventually I became numb to AIDs. How lucky was I to be able to do that because for most gay men, that was not an option. Not only were they dying off by the hundreds a week, they had to completely change their lifestyle.

Let's be real, the bathhouses were the gay bars of the 70s and cruising was a way of life. All of that had to change because sex had become deadly.

I remember sitting and talking to a friend one time and we were talking about sex. He asked what it was like to have protected sex as a lesbian because he didn't know what we did. I told him that I didn't know what we did either because I wasn't doing that. He just sat there for a minute and said...I'm really jealous that you haven't had to really change anything in your life when all my life right now is change. I sat there and agreed with him, but those words hit me hard last night when I thought of them again.

Since Jen died all my life has been about is change. Even just subtle things like shopping for one or going to the movies or listening to what people are doing on the weekend and not deciding until they talk to their significant others. When you are single there is no one you have to wait on, you just do.

It doesn't seem like a big deal until you realize that I lived with someone for 20+ years. Not having her here is like someone took my arm. I can still function, but it is a whole lot harder to do so.

Here's the deal: I am going to change again. I am going to try and set an example for the younger generation by showing that you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. I'm going to show that you can have a fulfilling life with love, friendship, activity and purpose even if you are not with someone. I will not tolerate those pittying looks anymore when I show up alone to functions. Instead, somehow, I am going to make them envy me...or just not be sorry for me, how about that instead.

Tomorrow I'm going to join a weight loss group just for the socialization of it. They talk about food, recipes, and exercise. They have cooking classes and meet every Saturday morning for an hour. I can do that.

I also know that by living alone I will have an easier time with losing weight than those with partners. I can have whatever I want in the house in regards to food. People in relationships have to compromise.

Listen, that's not much, but it is all I got right now. Don't be jealous.

I've got a new attitude...no I don't.

Today was a therapy day. After it was over I checked in on my favorite WhatsApp people and my friend Zoe had gotten us a cameo from Rose and Rosie. Yes they heckled Bethan...but I think you may have the last laugh on that one girl...but it made me smile so much.

The people in there look out for each other and somehow instinctively know when we need something to cheer us up. Zoe also got some wonderful news today and I hope she blogs about it.

Now let's talk about what happened in therapy today.

Here is the quote that comes to mind after today's session. It is by Joseph Campbell "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

The life I planned was one where Jen and I would grow old together. We would work up until the age of 66 and then we would travel the world and see everything there was to see. We would then open up an LGBTQ community house where all the old queers would move in together so no one would ever have to grow old alone. We'd watch TV, go for walks, have dogs and cats. We would do ballroom dancing lessons and live happily ever after.

We all know that that won't ever happen for me. Get your mammograms ladies. Please.

My therapist today asked me what my plan was now. I told her that I wanted to work until I died. I didn't want to be in community living and that I couldn't care less about learning how to do ballroom dancing. I said life some days was maddening and I was sick of everything and everyone. Of course then Zoe being Zoe, cheered my ass up. I mean...damn it.

Let's be real here folks. I've spent the last almost 10 years being mad, being depressed, and feeling sorry for myself. I am healthy, I am not living on the street, and I have people in my life who care about me.

My therapist took her life in her hands today and suggested that I write Jen a goodbye letter. She said that I need to tell her that I will always love her. That no one will replace her. That my life is odd without her in it, but that I could very possibly live for another 30 years or more (we live to be old in my family) and that I need to get about the business of living. She said it was just a suggestion, but I heard what she was saying. She asked if I used Jen as an excuse to not do things...to not feel or get close to people because I didn't want to get hurt again. I mean...FUCK HER. I get it though. I really do. Somedays I'm just tired of it all and I can't believe I said that.

So, I need a new plan for my life. I need some suggestions and I'm open to anything. I may decide to join a group and learn how to dance. The dancing site I visited said that you could go if you were single as most of the people there are. We'll see.

Zoe, you're the best love and I mean this with everything in my heart. That cameo came just at the right time. I love you so very very much.

Now, if anyone has any suggestions on what I can do for fun as a 59-year-old, dm me. I have a bad ankle and a bad attitude...fyi.

I want to ask you what old ideas about your life you need to get rid of so you can have the life that is waiting for you. DM me your answers and we'll talk.

Just try and keep up

One of the young people who answered my questions today said that it was "actually really fun and necessary introspection."

I write in a journal every day. Most of the time what I write are things that I felt bad about, things I felt I did pretty good at, and what I'd like to change if I have the opportunity to do so. I have had a few of the same things on that list for quite a few months now.

What I like about writing is, you can be as honest and open as you want. No one reads what I write, not even that bitch therapist.

I asked her one time what if someone read my journals after I'm dead and she says, who cares...you're dead. I couldn't argue with that one.

Also there is a somewhat revolutionary idea of not saving a journal after it has been filled up. I read somewhere that after the book is full one can make a ceremony of burning it, which could symbolize getting rid of your pain.

Two things, I could shred my journal at the local Office Supply store since we aren't allowed to have fires in our yards here in Oregon, but I think chanting as I put one piece of paper in the shredder at a time will scare the employees. I could also use my journals to light a bonfire at our next weenie roast at the coast. I mean...why not.

Here is what I'm trying to get at. My feelings are painful, funny, hopeful and hopeless every single day. Never, once I have written something in a journal, have I ever gone back and reread it. If I have to share something in therapy, it is typed on the computer and read aloud in the office and then I tear it up.

It is important to do self evaluation. It is important to evaluate my day and see if I have been an asshole or if I have "Welcome" on the back of my head because I have let myself be a doormat.

I have been through a few things in my life and when I was at my worst I would write in red ink...in big block letters, and a lot of times tear the paper when I was writing because I had a bit of an anger issue back about 10 years ago. Yeah, I had a bit of an anger issue yesterday...who am I kidding.

Sometimes I make myself laugh with what I write and sometimes I cry. I'm a bit of a drama queen, won't lie, but the good part about that is, I am feeling my feelings.

As embarrassed as I am for saying that and for as corny as it seems, the truth is, it is very hard for me to sit still and focus on writing.

Here, let me describe what happened today when I tried to sit and write: I had to find my journal, then I had to find the right pen, I got up to get some water, then I had to pee, I watched a quick music video, I went back to the journal and stared at the blank page, I visited Twitter "for just a second" to see what I'd missed, went back to the blank page, got up and looked out the window because I heard kids yelling, and finally sat back down and asked myself...how do you feel today? What happened and how are you?

I then just let whatever come out come out. I don't worry about spelling, grammar, punctuation or anything...I just write and sometimes I write for a long time...which is about 15 minutes for me, and sometimes I write for only a couple of minutes. But, I know I'm done when nothing else comes to mind. I mean my brain is done. I then close the book and put it away and don't think about it until the following night.

Now, I will tell you that writing this blog is a bit different. I will also say that if you are reading this I trust you and am not worried if I spell something wrong. We all know I can't spell by now.

So I'll ask you, and please tell me, do you write a blog or journal or anything and how does that make you feel when you are done?

For someone who is dyslexic writing is scary hard. I was, however, told that everyone every day does something that is scary hard for them to do and that I was not special in that regard.

I am special, however, in that I like pineapple on my pizza...fight me about that.

I have questions

If you are reading this, I would love for you to answer these questions and DM me or post on Twitter, your answers. Your choice.

1. Where were you born and how far have you moved from that place? Why did you move or stay?

2. What age were you when you first fell in love? Did you get to kiss that person, or just watch them from afar?

3. What makes you happy?

4. Who is your favorite YouTuber(s) and why?

5. Have you ever been to therapy and did it help you? If it didn't help, why not?

6. Describe your perfect partner.

7. Describe yourself when you are single.

8. Describe yourself in a relationship.

9. What is the biggest regret so far in your life?

10. Can you forgive yourself and/or can you forgive others? How do you do that?

 

I hope a bunch of your respond and I promise I'll read each of your answers and reply to you.  

Zoe's 10 questions

My friend Zoe has sent me a few questions to answer. I'm going to answer these and then think of some questions to ask her.

1. "What's your anxiety like before you travel to the UK." I'm a praying person. Every morning I say my prayers and they are always the same ones. One of the things I pray for is to have a safe trip to and from Manchester Pride and that we all fall in love with each other and that Maddy has a good time at doggie summer camp. I pray that every day starting from the last pride I've gone to, to the next pride. If I'm honest, I'm anxious whenever I think about traveling there. I live on the western part of the United States and I have to stop at least once before landing in the UK. Last year I had two stops. I was a wreck by the time I got to there, but still worth it. I will say that once I am on the plane I fall asleep instantly and sleep the entire trip. To be honest, when the time comes to actually go, the worst part of the trip is going from the place where I park my car to the airport here in Oregon. It is so bad that when I drive by the place at other times of the year I have a physical reaction to it. So, I say all that to say, my anxiety is off the charts. Still worth it.

2. "Best and worst memory of this year." Well best memory was Manchester Pride. I mean, it was a smaller group this year, but we had so much fun. We met Rose and Rosie and they were so very sweet to all of us. I love these people so much and we always seem to have a great time. Also hanging out with Gill, Gail and Zoe and going to the castle. I mean, we walked up a big hill and just sat and looked at the countryside. I was comfortable, relaxed, and felt like I belonged. It was an amazing experience. Understand, I never stopped talking, but they never said a word about it. Then the four of us would go back to the hotel and watch game shows on the television and just laugh. I had such a good time. The only thing that could have made it better was if Lucy, Bethan, Dani and Addi could have come too.

Worst memory was I lost one of my favorite patients to cancer this year. She was 89 years old, called me honey, and always gave me a hug when she left my office. She liked to bring cookies to the office for everyone. She was so sweet. Her oncologist was in the office next to mine and she would always stop in and say hello. I'll miss her terribly. Wow, this is the first time I've talked about it. We all sobbed when we found out. That's all I'm going to say about that.

3. "If you could move to the UK where would you live?" By Gill and Gail.

4. "What are your biggest fears?" That I'll forget things about Jen. That I will lose the people I love. That I will become useless.

5. "What do you think are the best qualities a person can have?" A sense of humor, loyalty, honesty, kindness, availability, compassion, bravery and being able to just love without fear or expectation. Just because I love you does not mean you have to love me.

6. "Do you think you could ever fall in love with someone again and would you want to?" If I am being totally honest, I'm terrified of falling in love again because I'm afraid they would die on me and I don't know if I could go through that again. But, if I ever did fall in love again I would hope I wouldn't dwell on that. Instead I would hope that I would live every day to the fullest and try to not piss her off by being an asshole. Uh, that happens. Could I fall in love again? Only if it caught me off guard. Love needs to sneak up on me because if I see it coming I'll take off running like a racehorse. I think everyone wants to be in love. So, I'm going to say yes, I hope I have another love in my life. I'm not looking. Don't send me nudes.

7. "What makes me happy?" I really love spending time just talking to people. I love asking questions and hearing about people's life. I also really like walking my dog. He keeps me sane.

8. "What makes you unhappy?" When people I love are hurting and nights when I sit out under the stars without the love of my life. Bethan, if you're reading this, I always say goodnight to you on the stars and Dani, I always say good morning on the stars to you. Zoe, you work too much. You have to have the afternoon sun. No stars. When I get in the car to go to work I say hi to Gill and Eva and say you lucky dog to Gail. YES I TALK TO MYSELF. Hell, I could talk to a wall.

9. "One thing you would change in your life right now?" I'd live in the UK.

10. "Describe your ideal woman." Obviously big boobs and blonde hair, LOL. Seriously, she has to make me laugh. If you make me laugh I'm not going anywhere. I want to see how she treats others and if she is kind and helpful and says thank you to everyone. She needs to be patient because I can be so irritating due to my dyslexia and ADHD. She would like to take hikes and road trips and want to go see the world. She would like to talk for hours about nothing and everything and hold my hand when we walk down the street. She would like my friends, but have friends of her own too. She would love to tease me and every once in a while show up at work and have a picnic on the floor in my office. She would let me call her during the day to have a falling in love again moment where I would forget about everything but her for five minutes. She would love to sit out under the stars and moon and just be quiet and listen to the night. She wouldn't get breast cancer.

Tacos

All week I get up and do my thing and hope to catch some of my UK friends online before I have to head off to work. Unfortunately, they are in the middle of their day and so I rarely get to have conversations with them that don't include the words "what have I missed," or "who's ass do I need to kick today?" when I am at lunch and trying to get caught up with their lives.

On Sunday, for some reason, all the planets are in alignment, the coffee is hot, and there is music playing in the background for a day of catching up with the people who are saving my life one discussion about boobs at a time, or butts.

Don't misunderstand me, we can get quite deep about things. We talk about being single, being angry, having adhd, and about how lonely sometimes we can get, but then someone will quickly change the subject by interjecting something quite crazy and funny and off we go on a lively discussion about doughtnuts or vegan sausage rolls, or Christmas cottages or who is hotter, Rose or Rosie...both are hot, I just happen to like blondes.  We also do the YouNow with Rose and Rosie and we cheer whenever they recognize one of us or says things to any of us.  Then we talk about it after it is over, lol.

What I am trying to say here is, I have found my people. I have found people who I can tell anything to and who can also tell me anything, and if they want me to keep a secret I will and if they don't, I will embarass their ass on Twitter and then laugh about it.

Sunday usually we are all in our own homes alone. One by one we come online in either the Twitter chat or the WhatsApp chat, and/or both at time, and just talk to one another all day long. The UK is up 8 hours before I am and so they have had their fun and are settled in to watch Great British BakeOff or Celebrity and I have just had a walk with Maddy and am sitting down to drink a couple cups of coffee and cruise the web. It works out perfectly most times.

When my afternoon hits, they are getting ready to get to sleep and that is when usually we have the deepest discussions about life and love and so many other things. I wish I could tuck them in and kiss their foreheads every night and tell them that they are perfect just the way they are and that everything will work out fine, but I can't and so I tell them I love them, to have sweet dreams and that I am here if they wake up afraid.

I have waited my entire life to have friends like these.

If you have read any of my blog at all you know that I struggle with face to face interactions with people. I get all stuttery and flustered. I talk too much and then just stop and walk away. With these people, even when I am with them, I am just fine. I trust them. I love them like the family they are and I can never ever repay them for everything they have done for me.

Whenever various members of this family meet up, I get to go along via FaceTime, voice messages, photos or just texting. I'm never left out. I only get to see them for 8 days out of the year, but I'm going to try and make it over there a couple times a year starting next year. I'd like to go in August and February, but we'll see.

We all are going through a bit of a rough time right now, but we're there for each other. See, I learn from them and hopefully they learn from me. We build each other up and laugh so very much.

I felt like writing a love letter tonight and so this is it.

I also told Zoe that tonight I'd write about tacos because they make me happy. Nothing says lesbian like being called a taco Zoe. (Bisexual too Bethan and Dani).

I love you all to the moon and back. I absolutely mean that with my entire heart.

Mental illness is sexy as fuck

Here's the problem with trying to better yourself. I believe, and I may be wrong about this, the first thing you have to do is admit you have a problem in whatever it is you are wanting to change about yourself. I never have a problem with that. What I do have a problem with is finding the help, or wanting to find the help, to fix whatever is the problem.

I have an eating disorder. Hello. Can't hide being fat kids. I have been either too skinny or too fat my entire life. I am too lazy to learn how to cook, though I tell myself that I really want to learn. I exercise in a binge type manner. Either I do it too much or not at all and the feeling of relief that I feel when I decide that I am not going to exercise that day is ridiculously palpable. I mean...it's 30 minutes for fuck's sake.

Okay let's get honest about some things. I have a bad left ankle from a motorcycle crush injury that happened to me when I was 13 years old. My foot got caught between the bike and a car bumper and I had a massive fracture. I was on crutches all summer long. Such a bummer. I seemed to have recovered because I ran track and was in the marching band for football games. I could never really walk in a straight line though, and the joke about that isn't even worth saying here is it? LOL

When I started drinking I basically quit eating. I got really thin and funny thing is about that is, the sicker mentally I got, the better physically I looked, and so got the attention that I was looking for from it. When I found drugs I was the most ill mentally I had ever been up to then, and I was very popular in the bars and at college. I mean, I get it. I was young, thin, had awesome hair back then, lol, and had a good sense of humor and wasn't a bit shy. Oh my god to be that confident now.

When I got older and realized that I was killing myself slowly I stopped everything and went to alcoholic's anonymous and there I found an entire new set of women to torture with my charms and mental illness.

What the fuck is it about the sick ones that make women and/or men (I don't really know) come out of the woodwork to date you.

Fast forward to almost 10 years after Jen's death and I'm about as healthy mentally as I have ever been...YES I KNOW I'M STILL SUICIDAL...but I'm getting help for that. I'm talking about my fucking feelings every week, but there is still that elephant in the room that my bitch therapist brought up this week. She asked about my eating habits. FUCKING BITCH BEEN KNEW.

Find a therapist that makes you angry...she'll save your life even if you hate her while she's doing it.

I told her that at work I'm fine. I eat breakfast, have a snack and then eat lunch with no problems. I then told her that I fight going to the gym every day after work and that when I get home I sit and eat dinner and another snack while I watch TV. None of that is too much, but then I don't move for 4 or 5 hours before bedtime.

She asked if I have given up because I have no one to impress with the way I look and why wasn't I good enough just for me? I mean, we know how we all fret about our looks and clothes even if we say outwardly that we don't care. I said no one would ever be attracted to me again and so why bother.

Why do I talk to her and tell the truth because now I have an assignment. I have to treat myself better and write down some things that I will do every day to do that. I have to have the list for her by next week and so I have one week to try and figure out some things. I basically have no idea. Help! How do you treat yourself with kindness if you are single or if you are in a relationship? I want to copy your answers.

so tired

I'm tired tonight. I did eight surgeries, did an hour and a half on the LGBTQ Youth Suicide Hotline, took a hot bath and now I'm just a wet noodle.

Hating myself has become a habit that I am working very hard to break. I have a ways to go. I do esteemable things so that I can have self-esteem. I hug people at work a lot and this is in an environment of no touching. What happened to being allowed to show affection? I like hugging people. I like teasing people and I like telling people that I love them...so I do it. Today I read a blog of someone who I love very much who is going through a very hard time right now. All I can say is, I am here for you. I will blow up a Sims with you. I will talk about Linda with you or your dog or whatever it is you need to feel better. This person deserves a few breaks right now. I have put her in my god box. What is a god box you ask? It is a box where I write down prayers for people or myself and put them in this and every year I clean out the box and leave the ones in that have yet to be answered and take out the other ones which have. I'm always suprised at how many of my prayers have been answered or, how many of them I just don't care about anymore. How about this, I'm going to stop writing tonight because I really am tired, but I will write more about this god box tomorrow. It really is a good thing. I put things in there and then let them go as best I can. I'll share some of the things that have been answered with you tomorrow. Good night. Sweet dreams. I'm giving you all a hug and I love you very much. You matter to me. good night...is that two words or one?

What the fuck is wrong with you anyway

I was first discovered to be dyslexic when I was in the first grade. Back then people were not as aware of "conditions" like being dyslexic and so when I would try to write out my work in school, my teacher would stand over me and tell me to quit playing around and just do my work. I spent many recesses inside with a teacher or teacher's aide who would make me do my letters over and over again. The bell would ring before I ever got it right.

Here's the thing, I also had a bit of a..ahem...paying attention problem. I would be trying so hard to pay attention in class that before I knew it, I had missed everything I was supposed to be learning because I was too busy telling myself to pay attention. So again, inside during recess I stayed. I mean, I got a bit chunky because I never go to go outside and run. Also, if you really think about it, probably letting me get out and run off some of the steam I had would have helped me more than making me sit in a chair and listen to someone go on and on about how the letter was supposed to go this way instead of how I was writing it.

I have some favorite letters to write backwards and they are A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.  Yep, those are the letters I do backwards. You see my problem.

I could have cried when computers came around. I mean...thank god. I still look at the letters that I have typed and think they are wrong. My nurse says to me all the time...don't change anything.

But, back in the dark ages before computers I took all my tests in pencil and by the time I was finished with a test, my paper would look like it had been buried in the back yard and then dug up again because there were so many smudges on it. I never got a good mark in neatness. Evidently, according to the nurses at work, I still fail. Mean.

Needless to say I did not get good grades in English, Spelling, Social Studies or Foreign Language. The only thing I could do well was science and, believe it or not, I could do math like a bitch. That makes no fucking sense at all and that is why I struggled to get a diagnosis of being dyslexic for years. I mean, it really didn't matter if I had a diagnosis or not, I had it.

When I was a kid the doctors wanted to try and put me on medication to calm my ass down. I mean, I would wiggle and nonstop talk and then in the middle of a sentence, just stop and walk away. I still do that to this day.

If you have ever seen a video of me, I twitch, look back and forth, stutter a bit, lose my train of thought and never ever stop talking. I hate seeing myself on videos, but I like to sing to people and so I video myself. Bethan says I need to do a YouTube video. Geezus, could you imagine that? Lordy.

My mom would tell the doctors that I was just fine (as I sat in the chair wiggling and twitching like I was going to have a seizure). She used to open the back door and tell me to run until I was tired. I would take off like a jetliner and run across the field with the dog barking and running beside me. I would run down the road and my mom said, after I had moved away to go to college, that the neighbors would, one by one, call her and say "your daughter just ran by our house, should we be worried?

Needless to say, nerd that I was, I never could do group sports. I couldn't follow any of the directions and so never even tried out, but gym class was a real fun time. I don't know how many times I was told...THE OTHER BASKET THE OTHER BASKET. Bitches.

I will say that I was good at track from all the running I did as a kid. I ran the mile and went to state. I lettered in track. I have the jacket in my closet from high school with the big letter on it. When I was called up on the stage to get it, I went the wrong way across the stage and the entire school thought I was joking and laughed. I pretended that I meant to do that and quickly found out that the way to get through the tortures of school with a few things not quite working right in my head was to make jokes about myself. Yeah, I was a crackup.

My parents made me take piano lessons. I went through a few teachers before I found one that realized that I wasn't dumb, I just "learned a different way" than the other kids. I still play piano today to calm down. I also play video games to help with my surgical skills and with my concentration. Look, I may not be able to write a grocery list, but I can play Call of Duty and shoot things down with the concentration of a border collie in a field of sheep.

Let me get to what you all are thinking right now. How the hell did I become a medical professional and, I mean, who would want to go to see a doctor like me?

Here's the thing, medicine is the only thing I can do. I cannot do anything else. I tried working as a waitress one time; never got an order right in the entire time I worked there. Yep, not in the 4 days they tolerated my ass.

I chose orthopedics as a career because I run and I want other people to be able to maintain motion in their limbs so they can have the quality of life they want. In school I had to write out all my notes over and over again until they clicked in my head. I am the same way now.

If I don't understand something I will start to panic. I will feel stupid and want to give up. But, if you are patient with me, let me get away and fiddlefuck with whatever I want to learn how to do, I will figure it out. I just don't want anyone watching me. It freaks me the fuck out to be watched...unless I'm dancing and you know...don't be jealous of my moves.

Here is the thing that I know about having a couple of mental illnesses...I won't go into my Tourette's where my favorite word to use is fuck...uh...that's another story. What I have discovered is, for me to thrive in this world I had to accept who I was. I had to accept that I have a few things that make me unique and special. Hating myself for something I was born with just won't do. I accepted that I was gay quite quickly because when I was with my first girl, everything clicked into place...uh, maybe that was the wrong choice of words, but you know what I mean.

When I was told at 15 that there was no way in hell that I would be able to go to college, I walked out of the guidance counsellor's office determined to show them that that was exactly what I would do. I would major in biology, go to medical school, and do orthopedics. Never did I tell anyone that I could spell, write a sentence correctly, or know my left from my right unless I held up my hand and ask if it was the right one. It scares the new residents sometimes, but now it is well known about my disorder and, god love the people I work with, they check my spelling, make sure I'm looking at the right limb, and help me more than anyone has ever helped me in my life.

Accept yourself. That is the first rule of true happiness.  Have a sense of humor.  That is the second rule.

Mother Gay

I got the name Mother Gay from a girl named Tammy who lives in Ireland. One time on Twitter for some reason we were making nicknames up for ourselves and she said she considered me the Mother of Gays. Did she mean I was old or some other reason. Well, I told her that I loved it and so I always tell the LGBTQ kids to call me Mother Gay and that I will always talk to them about anything.

After Jen died I sat on the couch, went to work, and walked my dog. That literally was all I did for, I would have to say, almost four years. She died in February of 2010, on the 9th, at 2:17 in the afternoon.

Her parents were fighting my every wish in regards to her care even though I was her Power of Attorney. She was in so much pain the last few days of her life. She had had a double mastectomy by then, had lost all her hair, weighed 92 pounds and was begging me to let her die. I would try to feed her soup because that was all she could eat due to the blisters in her mouth and all she would do was cry and tell me that I was mean and to please let her go.

I held on for a week with ignoring her wishes because her parents were telling the doctors to do everything they could to save their daughter and that the Power of Attorney wasn't valid and to not listen to me. One time we had a screaming match in the hallway outside her door because they just wouldn't stop.

Finally one afternoon they told me they were going to go to lunch and would be back later. Once they left I called the nurse and told her that it was time to let her go. I got in bed with her, kissed her over and over, and told her that I loved her and would for the rest of my life as she laid there apologizing for leaving me. She made me promise to not stop living when she was gone. I lied and said okay.

She left me on a sunny afternoon, first one we had had in a while.

Her parents got back and were told what I had done and they screamed at me in the hallway that I was a murderer. They threatened to call the police on me and had to be physically restrained from attacking me.

Meanwhile, I had stopped actively living. I mean, I was taking breaths in and out, but I was dead inside.

The parents held a funeral for their daughter and told me they would call the police if I showed up.  My friends held a funeral for me. They hung around and helped me out for a few days, but with all things that don't really actively pertain to you, they drifted away back into their own lives. They called me, but basically I was the one who stopped returning calls and didn't show up to things. So, I was the one they blamed when the friendships died one by one. 

Her parents have her ashes.

Fast forward 8 years and I am in a chat group and talking to people and feeling safe because there was no way in hell I had to worry about meeting any of them because most of the people I was talking to lived in other countries. Then London Pride happened. Then the Overshare book and documentary happened. Then, Zoe happened. Bethan happened. Addi happened. Dani happened. Gail and Gill happened. Gill and Gail invited us all up to their house on a night of so much pain for a couple of the kids and that is when I knew I had found a new family.

Zoe is my Little Potato. We're a lot alike except she is quiet and I can talk to a wall. I immediately felt comfortable around her and protective of her. She makes me laugh with the things she says that come out of the blue. I mean, the other day she sent me a voice message of only interesting cuss word selections. I've played it no less than 10 times. I loved her instantly. She's someone I can be around and never really even talk a lot to. But, I feel calm around her. I feel safe, not crazy and if we do feel crazy, we blow up Sims. I like doing that. We bonded over Linda Blacker. She hot, I will not lie. Zoe sent me a video of her from SITC. I still play that sometimes and that is all I'm going to say about that, lol.

I talk to the youngsters in Paige and Holly's chat group. Little bastards want me to get butthurt tattooed on my ankle...well Liz just wants the word butt on my ankle. Don't be surprised if I do it. I mean, why not.

I do the LGBTQ Youth Suicide Hotline because I know how hard it is to be young and gay. Most of these kids are so angry, terrified, and lonely with realizing they are "different." I tell them about Youtubers to watch, and to not come out of the closet if they aren't safe.

I tell them to just survive high school and live to be loud and proud another day. It will come, I always promise them that.

If someone tells me they love me, I tell them I love them more because Jen always told me that.

I'm afraid I'll forget her. I'm afraid I won't remember how she smells or smiles, or how she would kick the shit out of me in the middle of the night and apologize without even being awake. Damn she had some icy cold feet.

I try to represent hope to the LGBTQ youth. I tell them that they are worthy, loveable, important and that they will find friends who will love them for who they really are, not who they are pretending to be now, and then I say something rude to make them laugh. They all seem to like that.

I tell them to not give up hope. I tell them that I will always be there for them for as long as I can type, breathe, or talk and that when I'm gone, they can take up the torch.

Life still hurts, I won't lie, but because of my little chat families, Twitter family, I have a reason to get out of bed every morning even on the days that I just don't think I can do it one more day. I say hello to my friends overseas, lurk in the teenager's chat, go to work and live my life. I sometimes sing to people...uh, I suck really bad. I voice message Bethan almost every day or Addi. I tease Dani and Eva about their accents, tease Gill about her soundless voice messages. God we laughed for a long time about those. I still laugh about that. Sorry bestie. Mostly I just connect with whomever will talk to me before I head out to work, or before I go to bed.

If you're hurting and reading this...you are not alone. You will find your people, I can promise you that.

I may be a little angry

Let's talk about my temper for just one minute, shall we? I have a hot hot hot temper that blows like Old Faithful and then immediately cools off.

I'm a Leo. I'm hotheaded and loud. But, I'm also a massive people pleaser who never wants anyone angry at them. I also do not like to be ignored one tiny bit.

I'm a bit fucked up because I feel like I have two distinct things going on in my head at all times and girl, it is ugly in there sometimes.

Here's the thing about my temper, in the minute or two that I am just running my mouth, shaking my head, and waving my hands around, I am completely unaware of my surroundings. I go into what my therapist calls a red rage. I mean, who doesn't love that.

Now to be fair, I don't lose my temper that badly very often. I'd say honestly that I do that once or twice a year. Trust me, that is more than enough. Unfortunately, I have meltdowns over little stuff a lot more often.

I have failed anger management classes two times. When it was suggested that I go a third time, I threw the paper on the lady's desk and walked away. Obviously I was missing some vital point in the class, or I thought the entire thing was stupid and didn't pay attention to anything. I'm betting on the second thing.

Here's the thing about my temper, I never know when it is going to strike. I mean, obvious things make me angry, like my government right now, but these do not make me lose my shit. And, to be quite honest, if you asked me what sets me off I couldn't tell you at the moment. I have had total meltdowns over my computer more times than I care to remember. I mean, lost my shit. I also get upset when someone I love is being hurt. When that happens oh my god, do not let me have contact with the person who hurt them because all of a sudden I am no longer dyslexic and I can find my words quite nicely thankyouverymuch.

My therapist says I have these rage attacks or anger attacks (I call them code reds) because I stuff things down inside of myself and then things build and build and build until I drop a pen on the floor and the gates of hell open up and I lose my ever loving fucking mind.

I don't yell at people, I yell at the universe. Does that make sense? Problem is, there are usually people around when I'm telling the universe about itself and my anger can be quite scary. I absolutely hate that about myself. I don't want to scare anyone because I've flown into a rage because I can't find my work badge or the computer won't turn on or some other dumb thing that really isn't all that important.

So, what am I to going to do about this? How can I quit stuffing my feelings deep down inside myself? How can I tell someone who has either hurt my feelings or made me angry how I feel without apologizing right afterward for upsetting them? I really don't know to be honest. I will say that I am exercising to get rid of excess stress...well, I took a break from exercising last week because I didn't want to do it. I lifted weights today, so hopefully I'm back on it.

Obviously I can't let things build up. But, the problem is, until I lose my mind, I don't even know I'm angry. So, I'm writing this blog. I'm telling you how I feel. Most of it I feel is just crap and tell myself I need to quit being a whiny baby, but then I drop my pen....

Girl You Know It's True

I was talking to my friend Gill today and I was telling her that when I want to write about something in my past, I turn on the music that I listened to at that time and memories come flooding back. Trust me, I have many decades to choose from. Rude.

I remember in the 1960s when my cousins would get ready for dates they would put on their 45 records of The Four Seasons or the early Beatles or the Beach Boys. They would start getting ready for their dates at like 2 in the afternoon. The damn date didn't even start until 8 and then all they would do is go out for a few hours and then come back home and keep me awake giggling about whatever boy they were with. That was some nasty shit. But, I was fascinated by everything they did. I mean, they would put their hair up in a big old weave and put their eyeliner on and then squeeze into those mini skirts with come fuck me pumps. All I could think about was how gorgeous they looked.

I went to my first sock hop in 1971. I was in 6th grade. I remember staring at my closet and trying to find something to wear that wouldn't make me look like the frumpy little kid that I was. I wanted to look cool. I wanted to be hip. I wanted to get to that dance and shake what the good lord gave me and be popular.

I wore stripes.

What the hell was I thinking? I mean, I see how I dressed and who the hell thought that was a good look for me? Damn.

At the dance what I remember happening was, we did the white boy shuffle to the Jackson Five and the Osmond Brothers and giggled when the older kids slow danced together. I would sit on the bleachers and watch them and think to myself that that was the grossest thing I had ever seen. I think I was just jealous.

When I was a teenager I was in the band. Don't let anyone fool you, the jocks may have thought they gave good parties, but the band kids were perverts in training and threw aweomely scary as hell for a little gay girl in hiding parties.

I remember playing spin the bottle and hoping that it would land on Kristen Zimmann, but then also hoping it wouldn't. I had gotten over Ivy Rusk and my new obsession was on Kristen. She was a preacher's kid and I would have ripped off my right arm to be her friend. Uh huh, I was not her friend. I was a hanger on at all the parties just trying to fit in. I mean, I was tolerated, but it never feel like a good fit.

Come to find out it absolutely should have fit in because all those hoes, with the exception of a very few, turned out to be gay as fuck. I wish I knew that then.

Kristen had an older sister named Robyn. She was blonde and had big boobs...you know where this is going.

One time at band camp when I was probably 14 or 15 I was going into the shower room and there stood Robyn in all her naked glory and I literally froze on the spot and did the fish mouth at her. You know what the fish mouth is, you open and close your mouth over and over and no sound comes out. Yeah, I did that.

She caught me staring and asked if I liked what I saw. Well HELL YEAH I LIKED WHAT I SAW, but I stammered something unintelligeable and ran out. If I'm honest, I still have that image in my head. My bad.  She's gay by the way.  Again, wish I knew that then.

Anyway, ask me any song and I can probably tell you where I was when it was popular and what I was doing.

In the 1980s I had a lot of one night stands to Culture Club and Madonna. In the 90s Sophie B Hawkins had a song out called "Damn I want to be your Lover" and I remember that song played probably 10 times one night when I was having sex with a girl. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach to hear it now.

The song that I first danced to with Jen was called All Around The World by Lisa Stansfield. I remember it was our first date and listen, I have moves, but I was nervous around her and I had already spilled ketchup down my shirt at dinner and was still mostly grunting answers at her. I had dropped my wallet and accidently kicked it under the car before going in the club and so she got a really good look at my butt as I was bending over trying to retrieve it. I was just trying really hard to not fart in the process.

So here was this gorgeous woman who wanted to dance with me and I just knew I'd kick her in the shin. She was so cute. She said that she wasn't afraid of me and grabbed my hand and pulled me out onto the floor and held me close. I remember that she whispered in my ear to not be afraid of her, that she wasn't going to hurt me. I was shaking like a damn 12-year-old, but I still remember how she smelled. I also remember that she had on so much hairspray that her hair almost took my eye out.

I can't really listen to that song much. I have the cassette tape of that album and it is a good one. But, it makes me ugly cry and I'm not wanting to do that as much these days. I remember that night after I had become a little more comfortable around her, i.e. meaning I was using words and not grunting at her, that I got up and danced the Milli Vanilli dance for her and made her laugh out loud. I decided right then and there that I really liked that sound and wanted to spend the rest of my life hearing it.

Of all the things I miss about her, I think I miss her laugh the most because it was an ugly as fuck laugh.

Sorry my love but "girl you know it's true...."

Run for your life

Let me tell you a little bit about my 20s. After that dance with that one girl I thought that I would probably never love again. Uh, girl please. For some reason I was born a horrific flirt. I was also born not a bit shy. Here is what I learned about those two qualities in my youth. It gets you laid.

Also I found quite quickly that if I wanted to succeed in the profession of my choice, I should probably not be committed to any of the women I slept with. Well, you know what that meant...I got committed to every one of them even if it was only for a week. I have had seven relationships that lasted for more than a couple of months. I left all of them myself except for two of them due to some kind of "I need to be on my own" kind of feeling.  I also had  many one night stands.

In almost all of them I left quickly and never looked back. I hurt a lot of people.

The first girl who broke up with me I stalked. I'm not proud of that fact, but see I realized that she was the first person that I truly had fallen in love with. Mean as that may sound to the others, I just didn't love them. I mean, I loved things about them, but not their entire being.

We were going along very well when a friend committed suicide. We didn't survive that. She drifted away. She cheated on me. I lost my mind and made a complete fool of myself over her. My friends got tired of me talking about her all the time. I had classes every morning, but would sit outside the woman's house who she was seeing after we broke up all night hoping to see something that, I guess, would crush my heart.

I have no idea why I did that. I don't chase women, at least I don't now. I literally was insane for about six months. I left town during summer break to get away from her and she would visit me and we would have sex and then she would leave again and I would be back at square one. That is the first time I tried to kill myself. Didn't work. Thank god. I just wanted the pain to stop.

I have decided that people who are homicidal want outward pain to stop and people who are suicidal want inner pain to stop.

I wanted that pain to stop so badly that I would get on my knees and beg god to take it away.

It finally went away because one night I was staying over at a friend's house with a bunch of people. We all fell alseep in the living room and in the middle of the night this girl woke me up by kissing my neck and I ended up going down on her in a room full of, I hope, sleeping people and that got my attention quite well enough that I finally got over the other girl.

That relationship lasted six months. She was fucking crazy and I was constantly accused of cheating on her. I don't cheat. I'm a whore, but I only do single girls. I finally just told her bye one day and never went back. She got involved with someone within the week so we both were happy. Felt bad for the poor sucker who got with her though. Damn.

I had, from that moment on, even worse committment issues. I was afraid to let anyone get close to me. I was too busy trying to become a doctor and I didn't want emotional connections, I only wanted physical ones.

During this time most of my gay men friends were either dying of AIDs or had died. I was so afraid of being abandoned that I would not let myself get close to anyone. I had one night stands with unprotected sex. Doesn't sound like a big deal for a lesbian, but everyone was dying. We didn't know what caused AIDs really and most of the woman I slept with were caring for dying gay men. Yeah, it was a scary time and I slept with so many women that in talking to my therapist, she said she thought I had a death wish because of it.

I don't remember feeling like I did, but I do know that by the age of 29 when I met the true love of my life, I was sick to death of going to memorials. I went to no less than 200 memorials for men that I called friends in the 1980s. We marched with ACT UP LA, we tried to get medical care for them, food brought to them.

My entire 20s was about death.

No one in the medical field would touch them, so the lesbians took care of them.

I'm sure because of all that, there was no way in hell I could commit to anyone until one day I was at a coffeeshop studying and I happened to look up and see her, and that was the start of something that I never ever thought could happen to me.

For the first time in 9 years I stopped running.

Boobs

My aunt and uncle had a house down by the river in the town where I lived. One time we were all there and I wandered down into the basement where I found a playboy magazine. Now, I wasn't sure what it was because it just had a very pretty lady on the front of the cover who didn't have a whole lot of clothes on. I opened the magazine and for the first time in my life I saw boobs. I saw really nice boobs. I looked through the entire magazine and then stuck it back where I found it and knew somehow that I should never mention it to anyone.

My dad worked for a trucking company and the guys on the docks had a backroom where they kept their things. I would go back there and look at all the naked women photos hanging on the walls and just really liked what I saw. Again, I never mentioned this to anyone.

I was born gay though I tried being straight the year before I graduated high school. I went on dates with a few guys and lost my V card in the back seat of some dude's car. I hardly remember what he looked like, but I do remember that instead of being turned on, I was like....god can this be just over with. I did that more times than I care to admit. I would have to say all were given a failing grade. Me being gay might have been the reason why. LOL

I thought that there was something wrong with me. I had always liked looking at girls and I couldn't understand what the big fuss was about boys. I had male friends, but the thought of kissing one of them was a bit sickening. But, the thought of kissing Ivy Rusk brought me heart palpitations and feelings that were very nice, but scary as hell for me. She was a cheerleader, blonde, popular and I couldn't stop looking at her. I knew to be careful, but she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen and I was infatuated. I was also 11 years old and she was 12 so I knew I didn't have a chance.

My first kiss with a girl was the summer after I finished high school. I was working in an ice cream shop and had a major crush on the oldest girl in the family who owned the shop. I was so hot for her that I snuck up to Michigan for my 18th birthday just so I could spend it with her...and her new husband. I'm so pathetic. On my 18th birthday all these guys lined up to dance with me and I remember her saying...you have to pick one and all I wanted was to pick her. I wanted to dance with her.

After I got back home and after I was off being grounded for going to Michigan without my parent's approval, I spent the night a few times at the owner of the ice cream shops house. The oldest son and I got caught almost having sex under the dinner table and when I finally got him the fuck off of me, I went up and asked one of the daughters if I could just sleep in the bed with her and her friend. I got in bed and she climbed on top of me and just started kissing me over and over on the lips. I had never felt such electricity in my life and also I was on fire everywhere. It wasn't until the other girl woke up and said, ewwww you're kissing, that she got off me and we went to sleep. I wish I could remember the next day, but I can't. I find that weird. I left for school the following week and I have only seen her once since that time. I wonder if she's gay. I hope she is doing well and happy.

My first dance with a girl was at a gay bar when I was in college. We were all just hanging out. I had come out of the closet in words only because other than the kissing in the dark that one time, I had done nothing else with a girl. We were all at this bar and Linda Rondstat's Ohhh baby baby came on and this girl asked me to slow dance with her. Which we did. Which I immediately fell in love with her during and bugged her the following couple of weeks until she told me to just leave her alone. My first heartbreak. I remember how she felt in my arms. I remember how everything seemed to just come together during that one dance. I remember feeling like I met my soulmate.

All she was doing, evidently, was trying to make her ex girlfriend jealous. I mean...damn it. LOL I will say though, everytime I hear that song I become an 18-year-old girl with feelings still for that girl. My first love started and ended during a 3 minute song, LOL. God.

So back to boops. We joke about being an ass woman or whatever part of the body is the favorite. I definitely have a favorite...I like boobs. I like butts, but boops are my thing. Big boobs and blondes.

There, I said it. I have been tortured my entire life by blondes with big boobs...and I kind of like it.

What the hell

There is a new woman at work who identifies as bisexual and has been in a relationship with a woman for five years. What is a bit unnerving is I find myself attracted to her. I mean, she is in a relationship and so therefore is off limits so I'm not going to even consider that.

What I am a bit surprised is, I actually do find her attractive. I mean, I haven't found another woman attractive like I do her in quite a while. She's cute. She's funny. She seems to like me. And, she has a girlfriend so of course she is unavailable, but that is not the point. The point is...I'm attracted to her and that, my friends, is something I never thought would happen to me again.

So, what am I going to do about this woman at work? I'm going to be her friend. I'm not going to even give a hint of what seems to be happening inside my head and I'm going to enjoy being around her and I'm going to meet her girlfriend and that is that.

I wanted to tell you because I need to keep myself honest.

What that does give me is the thought that maybe I will be able to fall in love again. Maybe I won't. But, even though I won't let my feelings be known...I am not a homewrecker...it does feel good to feel like this again.

Please don't judge me. I don't even know if I should post this. Has this happened to anyone reading this?  If it has, dm me on Twitter and talk about it. 

Please don't worry

I think I'm scaring people with the way I'm posting. I want to tell you to not worry. I am in therapy and getting help. So, because I'm scaring people a bit, I'm going to tell you about my day. It will be short and sweet.

I get up around 5 a.m. I turn on the coffee...I'm American, don't judge my coffee drinking, LOL. I then take Maddy for a walk around the block for about 15-20 minutes. I come in and feed everyone, clean the cat box and have two cups of coffee. I then listen to a couple of voice messages from some of my favorite UK people. I love voice messages. I then send positive quotes to Rosie and Rose, not because they necessarily read them, but because I read them and that is all that truly matters.

I then spend about 15 minutes talking to my friends online before I pack my lunch...yes I take my lunch to work...and head to the hospital or clinic and start work at 7 a.m. I either do surgery or see patients.

I want to tell you that I laugh all day. I enjoy what I do for a living and I enjoy the people I work with.

I get home and am greeted by a very happy puppy and a disgrunted couple of kitties. I feed everyone and then take Maddy for a longer walk around the neighborhood. He has been to the dog park during the day with his dog sitter and so when we are done with his walk, he sleeps until I take him out one more time before bed. I try to be in bed at 9.

In the evenings I usually watch TV and play games on a very old ipad.

On the weekends I either meet for lesbian coffee or lunch, depending on what weekend it is, or I will go to a movie or just stay home and talk to people online.I also take Maddy for a few hikes during the day and/or go to the dog park.

Sunday I do YouNow and then play video games all afternoon. Oh, I also go for short runs at the gym most days of the week.

I get socialized at work. I have friends I talk to in person and online. I'm not lonely all the time.  I mix this up some days.  I mean, sometimes my schedule changes.  Also I have therapy on Thursday at no set time a week.  It's always different.  

I'm only sad right before bedtime.

Please don't worry about me.

Simple Living

I grew up in a middle to lower class family. I would get gifts for my birthday, Christmas and we would get to order a few new things for school every year through layaway. Layaway, for you younger ones out there, was when you would order things through a catalogue and then pay 5 or 10 dollars a week until you paid it off and could pick up what you bought.

We didn't use credit cards. That was too risky and one didn't want to go into debt for frivolous things like clothes.

When I finally got out on my own and got my first apartment I applied for every credit card known to man and they were stupid enough to give them to me. I was in school, had limited to no income except for loans, and so I would use the cards to get things for my place. It was a single bedroom on a busy, dirty street, but it was mine and I wanted stuff.

What happened next was, I basically got into debt for an apartment I was never at because of school. I could have had just a room because all I did in that place was sleep. I never wanted to be alone, so I would study at a coffee shop or at the college. I bought a lot of stuff that I didn't even use. Here's the thing though, I got deep into financial trouble because of those stupid credit cards and that made me angry. I dug myself out of it, but it was a horrible time. I didn't ask anyone for help, I just learned how to have a good time with basically no money and how to eat for really, really cheap. I ate at school and also the hospital. I had two pairs of shoes, two pairs of pants, a couple shirts and some other things.

I lived like that for quite a while. What I learned from that time was how to save money. I learned how to make a budget and live within my means.

After Jen died I got rid of every piece of furniture we had owned. I would have burned the place to the ground if I could have gotten away with it. I kept a lot of her things in a chest that I still have. I have our photos and other things from trips and from just living 20 plus years together. I never show anyone any of those things. They are mine and mine alone. I will absolutely not share, so don't ask.

I bought and moved into a small, three bedroom place with a garage, a nice little backyard for the dog and tried to make myself buy things for the house.

I have a bed, dresser, computer desk, chair, footstool, and a couch in my house and that is all. I have a tiny television that I play video games on. I never watch regular TV. I always watch TV on my laptop. I have clothes to wear to clinic, but I've decided to be my authentic self so I wear nice pants and T shirts from Paige and Holly, Rose and Rosie, bands I like and everyone thinks it's cute. It's not that cute, I just don't want to go shopping. I also spend a lot of time in surgical scrubs. I call this Simple Living.

I bought myself a fancy coffeepot last year and I felt really guilty about it.

I make a good living. I just don't need a lot. I would rather travel once a year to England then buy things that I don't need. I have two plates, a couple coffee mugs, silverwear and some fancy cooking pots and pans because I don't like to eat out and make myself cook. Someone said I was living the ultimate bachelor life. I am doing that, but I also know that it is one thing to not buy things I don't need and quite another thing to just not have the energy to care about one's house.

I have a plan and I have a friend I'm going to do house things with. This will be her first house and I'm so excited for her. We are going to look at curtains, rugs, appliances and share what Hoover to get and what color to paint our walls and here is the kicker, she's in the UK and I'm in America. She is in her 20s and I'll be 60 in August. But, she is my Young Potato and I absolutely adore her and I don't think she realizes how much she is saving my heart by allowing me to do this with her.

Now, what color should we paint the bathroom?

Therapy

One day in 2014 I was resting my newly surgically examined knee on a sofa and was bored out of my mind. I wasn't really in the mood to do anything outside as I had to be on crutches, so I decided to cruise the internet. I went into YouTube and saw a thumbnail of two pretty girls and so I clicked on it. We all know by now that that was Rose and Rosie and that they made me laugh out loud and that I binged watched their entire video selection on Youtube.

That is the history about me that most of you reading this blog already knows. What maybe you don't know is after that day watching videos, when I was finally able to walk on my own and go back to work, I had decided that I should try to find a way to either kill myself, or to finally start to try and live again without the love of my life.

I will not kid you, it didn't come easy or quickly. I had many days where I just came home and sat on the couch and just stared at the TV.

I was recently asked how I found the courage to start therapy and why, if I was suicidal every day, did I even want to go. I believe all humans have the natural instinct for survival. We will all fight to save our lives if given the opportunity. I got sick of being sad. I got sick of my own company. I knew that no matter how many books I read, how much I knew about depression and my condition of PTSD, that I could not fix myself. I needed help. I needed to talk to someone who could guide me and teach me how to live with the pain that never seemed to let up. I dreamed about her, thought about her on waking, before sleep. I loved her. I missed her, but god damn it, I needed relief from the thought of her, even if only for a few hours a day.

I can't believe I've told you that. But damn, I was so sad and I just wanted it to stop.

So, I looked for a therapist. I have seen many because even though I know I need therapy, I hated the thought of going and of talking to someone who just sat there and stared at me.

The woman I am seeing now the first day said...you're going to work or you can leave. I was like...okay. She said I was going to get homework and writing assignments and that I had to sign a commitment to not kill myself for 30 days at a time. I'm up to 90 days at a time now. She asked me how well I keep promises and I must admit, if I promise something, I will do it.

I want to say that therapy has driven all my demons away. I want to say that I am happy, joyous and free. I am certainly not any of those. But, I will say that the feeling of impending doom has been lifted. I have some days where I really am happy. The guilt comes back of course, but it is progress rather than perfection.

I'm older. My dating life is probably over and I'm okay with that. What I am looking for is learning how to have good friendships; how to forgive those who have hurt me, and to just get on with the business of living guilt free. I didn't find the lump in her breast in time. I didn't find it because it was quite well hidden. Her death is not my fault and I can say that today, but ask me again tomorrow.

Would you date yourself?

Today on the YouNow that I listened to, Rose asked the question would you date yourself.

Here are my good qualities: I am generous. I don't cheat. I have a good outlook on life. I am willing to accept my defects and listen when my girlfriend tells me about myself. I have a pretty good sense of humor. I am not moody. I like to do things. I have friends of my own. I am not clingy.

My cons: I work too much. I am easily distracted. I don't listen well. I talk too much. I fall asleep in my chair at 8 pm. Evidently I snore. Mean. I leave my clothes on the floor in the bathroom all the time. I hate to clean the cat box.

Of course I'm leaving a lot of things out because I can't think of all my defects, but I'm pretty sure those are all of my assets.

So again, would I date myself?

I asked my wife, when we first started seeing each other, why in the world did she want to go out with me? I mean, every girl in the coffeeshop wanted to go out with her and she turned them down to ask me out. She said it was because I was adorable. See, I couldn't ever look her in the eye and only grunted answers to her because she always made me speechless; or I said dumb things. She said she wanted to see if I could really talk. MEAN.

She also said I was romantic, kind, nice to everyone and funny as hell.

She's the first one who ever said "if you make me laugh, I'll never leave." I use that line now and always think of her when I say it.

So, to answer the question, yes, I'd date myself.

And, as a matter of fact, I date myself all the time now. I take myself to the movies, on walks with the dog, eat out sometimes, go to the coast, on trips.

So, if you're single treat, yourself like you would someone you would date.

The only relationship that for sure will last forever in your life is the one you have with yourself, so treat yourself better. I certainly am trying to.

One time

I don't like confrontation one little bit. I don't like to make people angry with me. I used to call myself codependent, but I think that might have been a bit wrong for me. I didn't even know if there was a diagnosis for how I am around people, so I asked my therapist if there was a word to describe me. She thought for a minute and said I am a people pleaser.

I had to ask for the definition of that and she showed me this:

"If you grew up in a home with a difficult, emotionally unavailable parent, you may have unconsciously picked up the pattern of people-pleasing in an attempt to engage the aloof parent."

Well, meet my mother everyone. First of all I want to say I love her. She did everything she could to make sure my sister and I had what we needed to survive. Her and my dad were wonderful parents except for the fact that they never told me they loved me and never hugged me or touched me at all.

My dad was the 13th child of 13 children. Those grandparents, his mom and dad, would give me crushing hugs whenever I saw them, which wasn't nearly often enough. Maybe once or twice a year. They would let me help around the farm and I could help grandma in the kitchen and they never said I was in the way once.

My mom's parents were drunks. I saw those grandparents every day because they watched my sister and I when we were kids. My mom was the youngest girl of three girls and was alone in the house with them and dealt with their alcohol and fights and if what happened to me happened to her, there is a reason she was so strict with me growing up.

My grandpa was...let's say...too friendly with me when he was drunk. That's all I'm going to say about that. I may get into it later, but probably not.

I will say my anger at my mom is, if she was being touched inappropriately, along with other things, then why would she take her two little girls back into that house. I can't ask her this. We don't talk about things like this. I will say it happened to both my sister and I because I remember my sister telling me to hide under the bed when we could hear him coming. I heard what happened to her. It was the same thing that happened to me when he caught me.

So I had a father who was kind, but I never felt comfortable around him because of what was happening at my grandparent's house. I don't trust men, or should I say I only trust a few men. And, my dad is a great guy. I am working on those feelings. I hate those feelings.

My mom was just icy cold. For good reason. But, I am carrying the effects of a childhood where I already had a secret as I was attracted to girls from the moment I was aware of other people on the planet. So, I lied to my parents about that. I wasn't being asked how I felt about anything anyway, so I just basically disappeared inside myself. I was alone a lot and I got used to trying to read books and just being alone and making up stories that I'd tell my dog.

When I went off to college and came out of the closet, all of a sudden I was having sex and I associated sex with love and so I was after as much love as I could get. I just craved physical attention so badly. But, in the process of craving physical attention, I started selling myself... not physically, but emotionally, to get other's attention.

I never felt like I, myself, was someone anyone wanted to be friends with, so I started buying other's attention with money, things, ect. I didn't trust that I could say no and still be someone's friend. I didn't trust that anyone would want to be my friend just because they liked who I was as a person.

I'm going to leave out a big chunk of my life here...the life with my wife...who died and left me. I say it like that because I'm in an angry phase about that right now.

I will say that I have friends in my life who I trust with my very soul. They are in the UK and I am in America. That is okay. I feel close to them and trust that I am not in their lives for anything except that we laugh a lot together and love one another.

I know this is a pity party post tonight, but I told the therapist that I would talk about this at least one time this week on the blog. This will be the one time and last time this week.

Happy Halloween???

I just want to tell you all a quick story which shows really well why I am not a mom.

So it was Halloween this past week and every day kids would come running up to me and show me their costumes that they were going to wear to the Halloween party where I live.

Finally on Wednesday I wasn't paying attention when the little girl next door, who is probably 3, came running up to me and said "do you like my costume?"

Now, in my defense, I was getting things out of the back of my car and didn't look at her. I said, ohhh, you're really scary as I was turning around to really look at her.

She was dressed in a pink princess costume with a tiara on her head.

She frowned at me and screamed I'M A PRINCESS and ran back to her mom, who was laughing her head off.

So the moral of this story is, look before you speak.

Happy Halloween.

I am strong

I told a friend today that she was strong. She told me that she wasn't at all and then I proceeded to tell her all the reasons why I thought she was.

Being strong has nothing to do with how much weight you can lift. I think that is fairly obvious.

Being strong has nothing to do with keeping your shit together when hard times come. In fact, I think being strong is losing your shit once in a while and not caring who knows about it or sees it.  

Being strong is getting out of bed when you just feel like you can't do another day.

Being strong is being so tired of hurting, but not surrending to the pain.

Being strong is walking away from someone you love because you have finally realized that it just wasn't going to work.

Being strong is knowing what your character defects are, but still getting out in the world and living your best life, just trying to not act out for one minute at a time.

Being strong is crying in the shower.

Being strong is staying home by yourself when all your friends are going out because you know you have to take care of yourself.

Being strong is not being afraid to be single for more than six months.

But, being strong is also admitting that sometimes you are lonely.

Being strong is admitting you are angry, but not taking it out on yourself.

Being strong is having the ability to say no, and accept the backlash that may come from that.

Being strong is not being perfect, but not giving up.

Being strong is living your true authentic life, no matter who it pisses off.

Being strong is accepting the things you cannot change, having courage to change the things you can, but having the wisdom to know the difference (serenity prayer).

So, to that young lady who I said was brave today...you are strong. I am strong. And, a strong woman or man helps lift others up, not tear them down and is happy when others succeed, even when you are struggling.

Today I am a strong woman.

Guilty

I have guilt. I have guilt for things that I have never done. I feel like I'm responsible if someone is angry, but never if they are happy. If one of my friends is upset, I assume it is my fault until I hear otherwise and will make myself almost sick because of it.

Why am I like this and have I always been like this? I'm trying to remember if I felt like this as a child.

I was a weird little kid. I had friends, but I never had a best friend. I belonged in groups and was invited to parties, but I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

It seems like I have always been addicted to something. I think the first and worst was food. I then moved on to drugs and alcohol when I got older. I liked that because I was thin and funny and people wanted me around. Still didn't have a best friend though.

I quit using and drinking quite young. I was 24. I had to. I was going on to more difficult school and work and I needed to be able to focus. I became very very thin at that time and would hide under my clothes. Only because of a few people that I dated who were horrified, I think, to see the real me did I reach out and start to deal with this issue. See, feeling hunger pain felt good, so I wanted to keep feeling it.

When I met my future wife is when I really started to be okay in almost every area. I mean, she did not coddle me. She was like...look, get help and it can't be from me. I had been going to alcoholic's anonymous meetings, but she was like...food is your issue babe. So, off I went to find help for that and I did really well until she found a tumor on her breast. My world stopped and meanwhile other's lives kept going.

I remember one time driving down a street and seeing everyone just going about their lives and I thought...don't they know that life as we know it is over?

When she died, I sat on the couch and gained almost 100 pounds. I did not care. I did not give one shit about myself. Only because of my dog did I stay alive. I couldn't leave her alone.

My therapist says my feelings of always being guilty for everyone's sadness could have started then. I feel like I should have pushed more for her to get help; that I should have felt the lump sooner. I failed her.

I'm learning how to forgive myself for that. I'm not there yet, so I take on the world's troubles as my own and feel the fear and stomach upset that comes from thinking I've hurt someone I love and don't know why. I live for that anxious, hyperscared feeling.

It makes me feel alive.

 

 

Old age

I'm in good health.  I'm going to be 60 next August 8th.  I'm in the process of losing weight and I run every other day and have worked my lazy butt up to running a mile and a half on the treadmill.  I can't run outside because of a stupid ankle injury that I turned down being fixed because I didn't feel comfortable asking anyone to walk my dog as much as he needs to be walked because he is a puppy.  I also drive a car that has a stickshift and I wouldn't be able to get around by myself.  

 

I would have to have someone help me and I would rather be stung by a hundred bees than ask for help.  Now, don't get me wrong, people volunteered to help me, I just didn't want their help.

 

I struggle with asking for anything.  I have moved an entire house by myself with the only exception of hiring people I didn't know personally to move my heavier things because I didn't want to bother anyone.  

 

I always drive to places alone because I don't want to be "held hostage" and be without my car in case I just need to get away.  

 

I have commitment problems.  I can't commit to going to the movies on Saturday if it is Tuesday with others.  I'll say I'll go and then try and get out of going and then go see the film by myself. 

 

My therapist says that the loss of my partner made me afraid to trust anyone.  Makes me not want to form attachments with people because I don't trust that they won't leave too.  

 

I have lovely friends who I go see every summer in the UK.  Every spring before going to see them I try to think of a way to not go.  Not because I don't want to see them, but because I figure they will just fade out of my life too.

 

I know this this is something that I can change with therapy.  I also fight thinking no one would want to be friends with an old lady so why try.  

 

The first step is always admitting something.  I'm admitting that I don't like commitments.  

 

I also don't like tea, so there.  

Can an adult go to bed at 8 pm? Asking for a friend

I'm going to make this short tonight because I have successfully made myself so tired that I am ready to crash this early.  I work until exhaustion on most days so that when I lie down, I am off to sleep in minutes.  I think not being able to sleep is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I, thankfully, do not have that problem.  

 

When I fly to the UK every year I basically sleep the entire way.  I'm a sleeper, what can I say.  

 

The problem is the nightmares that I sometimes have.  I remember most of them when I wake up, but I'm not ready to talk about what happens just yet.  I'll get there eventually.  

 

So, I wanted to let you know that I had a good day today.  I did a few surgeries and came home and walked my dog and then watched Criminal Minds for a few hours.  Yes, that is what I do.  Tomorrow is a running day, so I'll go to clinic, come home and run for a few miles, then walk the dog and watch Criminal Minds.  I tend to binge shows instead of mix them up.  

 

I made it through another day and came home fairly happy.  I'll take that as a win.  

She's so nice

I'm told what a sweet person I am alot.  And, to be honest, I do try my very best to be kind to all living creatures though I have to admit, being nice to animals is easier than being nice to people. Some days I literally hate the human race.  Being an American, I'm pretty much embarrassed or ashamed of what my government is doing on a daily basis to the point where some days I just don't turn on the news.  I could talk all day about that, but my therapist tells me that I am supposed to try and talk about myself in here...and not only the good things.  I was like...what good things.  

 

Today is a good day to talk about this because what I am about to tell you is horrifically embarrassing for me to say and it has to do with a couple of Youtubers and their YouNow on Sunday.  I'm just going to go there and I hope you can either laugh or still love me when I'm done.  

 

I have a secret and that secret is I'm a horrendously jealous person.  I will try to explain this because I am happy when good things happen to people I love, but I also have a moment where I think...why can't that happen for me.  So, I want to say that I get my panties in a wad on Sunday because I'm want to be recognized AT LEAST A FEW TIMES by these Youtubers and when I'm not...I immediately feel like they hate me and I want to take my computer and go home.  Oh wait, I am home.  

 

That is the hopefully funny part of this blog.  Here's the part where it gets ugly.  Sometimes I see couples together and I hate them.  Not personally, but I hate that that has been taken away from me.  I hate to see them laughing and holding hands, kissing.  I hate that they are talking about the future and babies and vacations together and I'm over here wondering why in the fuck this happened to me.  

 

Why did I have to be the one to lose the love of my life.  Why did she have to be taken when I am the much more horrible person.  She had her faults, but damn I am so much worse.  

 

I miss her. I miss her like she just died yesterday and I don't think I'll ever be able to be normal again, meaning feel like I'm safe with anyone ever again.  People tell me, including Rose and Rosie, that I have another love left in me and that I need to just open my heart and let love in. 

 

No.  I won't do that and you can't make me.  I don't like being a widow, but I can't imagine ever being with someone else again.  The thought of it makes no sense to me.  So, I feel sorry for myself for something that I probably could change, but refuse to.  Makes perfect sense to me.  

 

So I tell all my young friends that I'm happy for them.  I tell them I'm excited for their life...and I truly am...after an intense minute of feeling like I've been crushed. 

 

I've been in this house since 2014.  I have yet to decorate it.  That's another secret.  I spend time in one little room where I watch television, have my laptop, and basically everything I could ever want.  The only reason I have a house and not a studio apartment is the dog and cats.  They need some room.  I, however, am willing to live with dull, boring walls with no photos on the walls because I just can't.  

 

I feel like I'm the walking dead.  Do you understand why I'm in therapy?  I told her one time to make me mad so I could feel something because most days I just am apathetic.  I feel like I am a waste of space when someone else could do the job that I do.  

 

I know this is a lot of negativity.  Here's what I'm trying to change...I'm going to decorate my house at the same time Zoe decorates her new house.  We're going to do it together.  She doesn't know this yet, lol.  I'm going to do my best to go to the lesbian events in town and not sneer at the outside of the coffeeshop like it is the enemy beforehand.  I'm going to try and post photos on my walls.  

 

I'm going to try and not hate this life I've been given.  There are so many ill people out there trying to hang on for one more day.  I will not throw this life away.  

 

To be honest, it is not all bad, but today was a tough one because of that stupid YouNow and being ignored.  I mean...god, that upsets me like I'm 5 and I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas.  

 

I hate that I'm alone without you....I hate that I can't tell you that I feel sorry for myself and you say...awww, do I need to make you cookies,  I hate that I can't pick up the phone from work and ask how you are and have a timeout from the chaos around me to just be in love for five minutes and remember how lucky I have it.  I hate that you left me.  I hate that they couldn't save you.  I hate hate hate hate and I'm just so mad mad mad mad mad about it.  

 

I hate my life without you in it.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loneliness

I have been listening to a few people lately talk to me about how lonely they feel; how they don't feel a part of and that they just don't feel anyone understands how badly they feel.  

 

I want to talk about my loneliness...I hope that is how you spell that.   

 

I'm going to be brutally honest right now.  I have, other than work friends, no face to face people who I hang out with.  I am trying to make myself go to lesbian coffee once a month and will try to make myself go to lesbian lunch once a month too, but it feels pressured and I always feel weird, like everyone knows each other and then there's me.  I always find someone to talk to, but no one has really made me think...wow, I'd really like to be her friend and do things together. 

 

I don't want you to think I'm unhappy because I'm okay.  I mean, I take Maddy (my dog) for walks and talk to people at the dog park.  I'll talk to my neighbors, but really I don't feel like I have the energy to do much more.  Is that bad?  I mean, I don't even know what I like to do for fun anymore.  After my wife died I just stopped trying.  

 

We had friends separately...well, she did and I had people who I'd do things with.  I'd play music with people.  Maybe I'd go for hikes with the dogs.  I never really have engaged with people on a social level and here is why, and I can't believe I'm going to tell you this...please don't judge, but I have a hard time following. I talk too much, forget what I'm saying in the middle of it, and then just feel horrible inside.  My favorite thing I do is, sometimes I just stop in the middle of saying something and walk away.  Who doesn't love that?

 

I don't feel like I'm stupid, but I have a hard time having a conversation where I have to make eye contact...god I hate that...where I have to pay attention...uh, have you met me?  And, where I'm afraid of blurting something out that will make people take a step back from me.  I don't want to tell everyone I meet that I'm a lesbian with Tourettes, adhd, and dyslexia.  I feel like I should just make business cards that I can give to people right from the start that say:

 

WARNING:  Lesbian with Tourettes who is also dyslexic and has adhd.  I will struggle to pay attention and will probably say something stupid. Don't be afraid.  I'm friendly.

 

I may get those for myself for Christmas.  

 

Now, being online I can talk.  I can read something and then think about what I want to say back.  I feel no pressure.  

 

When I went to Manchester Pride this year I had a lovely time with people who I absolutely adore.  But, by the end of the day I went back to my room where I rehashed almost all of my actions for the day and just cringed at myself for being just so....me.  I don't want to be me.  I want to be cool and fun.  

 

So, getting back to the topic...fucking adhd....I do have loneliness, but it is self-imposed because I can be a handful and I think that if I'm around too much people who I love will start to hate me.  

 

It has happened before.  

I wasn't expecting that

Today I was at work.  Surgery was over and the dog had come to hang out in my office while I was doing paperwork when all of a sudden I got a text and we all went into a WhatsApp chat where we started voice messaging each other.  I want to say that this is the group that I wrote about earlier in the week...my Safe Haven friends.  We discovered the joy of voice messaging each other today.  Why we never thought of it until now I have no idea because we were all messaging each other and I have to tell you, it was the funnest thing I had done with them since Manchester Pride.  We did it for, god, almost 45 minute before they all just had to go to bed, lol

 

Here is the thing about it...it just happened.  It wasn't planned, it just happened like you see on television where a group of people are just having the best time talking about nothing really.  Well, we were giving Gillybean a rough time about her voice messaging skills, but I digress.  

 

I never belonged to a group of friends before.  I was always on the outside looking in.  I mean, people liked me, but I never really had a best friend or a friend group.  Why?  I don't know.  Today meant everything to me.  The UK eventually went to sleep and I drove home to my house and walked my dog and sat and watched tv before doing the hotline for my LGBTQ kids in the Pacific Northwest where we talked about how lonely it was and how scared it was to be themselves.  

 

As I sat and talked to each one, I got to tell them that one day, near or in the future, you're going to find yourself a group of people that you wouldn't have believed existed in a million years and spend the afternoon laughing about nothing in particular, but at the same time just be so happy to hear their voices and laugh.  

 

I also came out to someone today as we were just sitting looking at the surgery schedule.  I was nervous, but she said she had been with the same woman for five years.

 

Today was one of the good days.  Today I'm happy to be alive and I can say the reason is, I just had the best time with people that I love who live half the world away from me.  I mean, how great is that?

 

The point of all this is, I'm not lonely anymore.  I have friends now.  I mean...I've always had friends, but I have FRIENDS now, if you know what I mean.  Weird.  

Hey Gill ______________  

Therapy is a verb

Gosh, I am no English major, but I do know what a verb is and my therapist today sat there and told me that therapy is an interactive sport that needs my participation to work.  I gave her evil eyes and then she said, it won't do any good to just sit and bitch about my week if I'm not willing to do at least some of the things she suggests for me to do.  I told her about this writing that I'm doing and she was very happy.  She "suggested" that I make a commitment to write every night for a month.  At the word committment I balked.  I don't do commitment anymore.  I told her I was a a free agent and she said my free agent self is going to self-destruct if I don't commit to treating myself better. Hoe.

 

I told her that my eating has been on point this week and that I have tried to get 7.5 hours of sleep a night.  She said great, I'm doing what an adult should already know how to do.  She is a bitch and we both know it.  I can't handle really nice therapists.  I tend to want to lie to them to see just how far I can take them.  My mistake with this one is, I told her that in a moment of complete honesty and now my ass has nowhere to go.  

 

She asked me why I liked to lie in therapy and I told her that I didn't think I had enough reasons to be in therapy, that other people had worst things that happened to them than I did.  She then said that being in pain is not a competition.  We all have pain and we all should have someone who isn't really a part of our lives listen to us and be bluntly bold with what they think we could be doing better.  

 

She told me that despite my love of lying to a therapist, I am a brutally honest person.  She said I was loyal and caring and nice.  She also said I was stubborn, egotistical at work, and gullible to a sad story.  Bitch.  

 

Bethan and I talk about how we are chronic forgivers.  We just forgive everyone.  I think that is a mostly good thing, but not when my fear of being alone keeps me in relationships that need to go.  I have left most of my lovers first, but friends always leave me.  Always.  Why?  Because I don't like to throw people away.  I will stay to the bitter end and then they walk away from me, usually with some story of how I wasn't there for them.  I mean...geezus, really?  This happens to me all the time.  I just happened last year when I was told I was two-faced about something that I honestly just really didn't talk about, but whatever.  I'm still holding onto shame about that one and I'm not even sure why.  

 

She asked me to describe myself and I'll leave you with this...I said I was an introverted extrovert.  I love being around people, but I also can spend a week by myself and be just fine.  

 

In other words...I'm a complete weirdo.  For fuck's sake.  

 

 

Safe Haven

As a result of following a married British Youtube couple named Rose and Rosie my life has been changed beyond my belief.  I have traveled to the UK three times, twice to London and then last year to Manchester for Pride and I do believe that is going to be my Pride of choice from now on, 

 

A long time ago there was a chat group called the Boop Boop Squad.  That group splintered off because of some things that happened that I really don't want to talk about.  It is not my place.  But, as a result of that group splintering off, I have now found myself in a much smaller group and I want to tell you about my new little family.

 

I'll start with Bethan because I know her the longest out of this group.  She was the first one I spoke to and I remember that quite clearly.  I asked her about her name and got a big old "it's a Welsh name."  Now, being the American that I am, I did not realize that being from Wales was a big deal...I was quickly told it was.  LOL.  Bethan is 21 years old, but has an old soul.  I have talked to her about many personal things and have taken advice from her that has helped me so many times.  She is also my cheerleader.  Almost every morning I get a hello text and words of encouragement.  In return, I send her voice messages of me singing and leave it up to her to try and understand what song it is.  All kidding aside, this girl is an amazing young woman who I cherish every day.  She reminds me of my wife as she is sweet, but do not piss her off, lol.  I trust her with my very life.

 

Dani:  Oh my god her Scottish accent and her typos are what life is all about.  She also sends me drunk videos because I ask her to let me know when she gets home and I mean...she's smashed, but still sends me one and I have got to tell you, she is the cutest thing I've ever seen.  I also was afraid I wouldn't understand her when I first met her because the accent is real and she had me try and pronounce a Scottish sentence once and evidently I failed because she was laughing.  She sent me the correct version and I still have no idea what she said.  I hope you know I'm teasing Dani.  I like to talk to her right before going to bed as she is getting ready to go to work on the other side of the world.  We talk about all kinds of things and see, I tell her my secrets right before I go to sleep so I don't have nightmares because she always tells me good night I love you Kimmy and I go to sleep with a smile on my face.  Also, she is funny as fuck and I sometimes laugh so hard that I can't catch my breath.  But she is also sweet and is not afraid to tell someone about themselves if they hurt one of us.  I love her.  I love everything about her.  We need to find her a ginger and that's all I'm saying about that.  

 

Gill:  I met Gill on Twitter,  I started responding to her texts because I thought she was funny, and she is.  But, Gill and I are close to the same age and so I trust her with all the horrible, getting old alone things that I'm afraid of that I'm not ready to tell the kids.  I talk to her about therapy and about getting old and about being lonely and then we will talk about poop and she will make me laugh.  She is witty, sweet, and when I'm with her I always feel safe like her and Gail will not let anything hurt me.  The woman can't drink, but when she does, she can only have two sips...thus her nickname from the kids.  I call her Gillybean.  I stayed at her and Gail's house last October and from the minute I walked in the door I felt immediately at home.  We are besties and I just met her randomly on a thread that I can't even remember the topic of.  She is one of the aunties and I am Mother Gay to these kids.  When I met her at the airport last August it was like I had never left.  I feel that comfortable with her and that just doesn't happen with me many times.  I felt that way with everyone I'm talking about in here.

 

Gail:  Gail does not play and is not afraid to tell you about yourself.  We call her I'll block you Gail.  She's learned to mute people now instead, lol.  She is funny and is so much fun to be around,  She pops in the chat just to talk smack or to give love and encouragement to all of us.  I have no doubt that she would be happy to tell anyone off if they hurt any one of us and I would not like to make that woman mad.  I feel like she is the sister I wish I had.  She is going to retire soon and I think I can't wait to hear all about her adventures.  

 

Eva:  Eva is the sweetest person in the world and even with all the things she is going through, she is still a cheerleader and is so kind that sometimes I think she can't possibly know me if she is that nice to me.  She is also tough as nails.  Girl has been through some shit and is here to talk about it.  She is a survivor and if I ever feel bad about myself for anything she tells me that she loves me and that she is here for me and I walk away feeling like everything will be okay.  She just has that comforting feel about her.  I'm going to meet her next year when I travel by train with the crew to Scotland and I cannot wait.  

 

Zoe:  I chose Zoe last because I feel like her and I are a lot alike.  The first time I met her I climbed in bed between her and her then gf and I felt immediately at home.  I loved her instantly.  She didn't talk much, but when she did she had my entire attention.  I met her on probably one of the best and worst holidays of my life, lol.  But, out of that horrific weekend, I have found a soulmate.  She is quiet, and I'll talk to a wall.  She and I both struggle with a lot of the same things and last year when she wrote a letter to her 15-year-old self and let us read it, I immediately knew that we were going to be the Old and Young Potato combo forever.  I can tell her anything and never feel judged or made to feel bad about myself.  We like to build Sims and talk about Linda and our dogs and work and mostly I like to send her voice messages in the morning just to say hi and I love to just randomly talk about something weird because right now more than anything in the world I want to make that girl laugh.  I want her to know how special she is and that she is going to be just fine...that now is just a blip in her life and that she will be okay because all of us are going to be right by her side forever and ever.  

 

That's my little family.  I'm the only American and I miss all the short weekends that they have, but the weird thing is, I never feel left out because they don;t let me feel that way.  I feel like I belong somewhere with people I only see once a year, but I love them.  I need them in my life.  Everyone of them has a place in my heart that I just can't explain except that is is a warm feeling that I like to call love and hope.  I wish all of you had a group of people like this and if you don't get busy and find some.  

 

Like Rose Ellen Dix likes to say...you need to find your people.  Well, I have found mine and I can't believe how lucky I am.  

Guilt

I have guilt that I am too tired to write tonight.  I may have to change the time when I post because right now I am so tired I am feeling weak.  Nighttime is the worst time for me.  I feel most alone then and therefore figured this would be the perfect time to pour my feelings out and be completely honest.  If I can be completely honest, right now all I want to do is go to sleep.  I don't know if I'll write every night.  I do in my private journal, so probably will in here too.  We'll see.  I wanted to say that I am doing okay with food.  I'm neither starving myself or overeating...which I have done one or the other since I could feed myself.  I mean, how can I be this old and not know how to eat?  It baffles me how I get around during the day sometimes.  Anyway, I'm going to bed.  Hey, I'm going to give a shoutout to Zoe, Bethan and Gill as they are writing too and my inspiration to keep this up.  Goodnight chickens.  Is goodnight one or two words.  I have no idea.   

All in or all out

I'm addicted to feeling good.  I'm addicted to not feeling.  I'm either all in or I can walk away and never look back.  I can hardly sit still for a television program, but I have a college degree in a subject that is not easy to have.  I'm still not sure how I did that.  I have abandonment issues...god I hate that word issues.  I was told by a therapist back in the day that that was why I left relationships first so I wouldn;t get hurt.  I got lucky in my last relationship, well until the gates of hell opened up and left me standing in a hallway in a hospital wondering what the hell I was supposed to do next.  If I'm honest, I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing so I just wing it.  I talk to people online and try to be kind.  That's really about all I do.  I hadn't taken a vacation in almost 8 years when I traveled to London twice last year to hang out with people I met in a chat room.  There were some things that happened and the group splintered a bit, but I went to Manchester Pride this year and had the best time with a smaller group of these people. See, I won't go see my blood family here in the States, but I will travel to England to see the people who I call my real family.  I love them.  I would do anything for them.  I need them in my life.  I trust them when I really don't trust many people at all.  Addiction tells me that I'm not worthy of love; that I don't deserve friends and if I do have any friends it is because I have bought them with money.  But see, I don't feel this way about the people I have in my life now.  I might actually believe they like me for me even if I am the only American and they laugh at the things I say.  Laughing is good.  It is still a strange sound to my ears when I do.  I hadn't laughed for years until I watched a few videos by some Englishwomen.  Between those ladies and the people I now have in my life, my life has slowly started to turn around.

whoops

Uh, the new stuff is below.  I;ll start putting the new writing on top.  I'm new at this stuff and I always get stuff wrong the first time.  I promise there is a new post below.  

Disorderly Life

Just to start I want to tell you that I'm a mess.  Let's get that out of the way.  I lost my partner to breast cancer almost 10 years ago.  I've not recovered from that one little bit.  In fact, if I think about it, I've only gotten worse because now I have friends that I have pretended to be okay around because who wants to be friends with someone who is a downer all the time.  I see those people and I don't want to be one of them.  Too harsh?  I'm just telling the truth for a change.  I have Tourettes...not bad, but enough to make me cringe when I'm alone with what I have said to people.  I'm an idiot.  I met Rose and Rosie a few times and always I walk away hating myself.  I'm sure they hate me too.  I have adhd.  My attention span is nowhere to be found and I'm dyslexic.  I'm also an ex herion user, cocaine addict and I'm an alcoholic.  I haven;t had a drink in over 35 years, but I fake drinking so no one judges me.  WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT.  My biggest thing is I'm in therapy and after all these many years, I told the woman that I have been eating my feelings instead of feeling them.  I gained 25 pounds last year because it was either that or hang myself.  I wish I were kidding.  The only thing that keeps me here is my dog.  He saves my life.  So, I told on myself about what I've been doing and she told me to tell people I trust.  I told Twitter.  Not once did I not say I wasn't insane, lol.  Sometimes telling thing anonymously is easier, know what I mean?  I'm going ton share this with some of my close friends,  I hope they don't get frightened with my suicidal thoughts.  I have them every single day of my life, but I've decided to not be secretive anymore.  Here is the thing that I question every day...how can someone love me when I absolutely hate myself.  Answer that.  

You have to love yourself...bullshit

If you have ever been in therapy one of the things they all tell you to do is love yourself. And, if you are like me and sitting in therapy because you either have once again tried to kill yourself and gotten caught, or you have once again decided that THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT AND YOU REALLY WILL GET BETTER. I'm going to capitalize all the bullshit I've told myself over the years in regards to my mental health. Anyway, for whatever reason you are sitting in therapy and this statement is said...you have already lost me. I mean, bitch please, if I loved myself would I even have to be in therapy? I mean...I tell myself no, but my genetic makeup which has betrayed me more than once in my lifetime, says no, loving yourself has nothing to do with why I'm in therapy. I don't know many people who love themselves who try to think of ways to off themselves on a daily basis, but I digress. I'm afraid I will do that alot in here because that is just who I am. Do not expect me to get to the point quickly because I've already forgotten what the point is that I'm trying to make. Welcome to ADHD. I absolutely hate it. I have done affirmations that start out really well and then by the end of the timeframe that I am supposed to do them I end up taunting the vision in the mirror with them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Who taunts with fucking positive affirmations for god's sake. I have given so many therapists a hard time and sometimes I just get a new one and lie the entire time I'm there. One thought I had multiple personalities because that is what I went with. Poor dear never had a chance, I say all this to say that I'm scared of tomorrow. I'm scared because it will be the first time that I am not going to have a crutch to lean on for emotional support and I don't know who I will be as a result. I'm afraid that I'll fail again. I'm afraid that I will eventually kill myself and no one will take care of my dog. (I need to get a will). I'm afraid that I'll let the people down who love me. If this is the first time you are reading this....don't worry. I do this all the time by myself, it is just the first time you are really seeing the true me. Still want to be friends? Please say yes because I;m a Leo and I crave attention. Wish me luck. Let me know if this made any sense. If you are reading this, I trust you. Good night. Oh yeah, loving myself. Uh, no. I was raised to not love yourself because that means you are egotistic. Be humble and accept no compliments because that is a sin, Lordy, if that was the only sin I committed I'm be happy.

Dyslexic and typos

I will probably have a lot of typos and misspelled words.  If that upsets you, then I wouldn;t read this, lol.